Monthly Archives: September 2015

Today’s Date Thoughts from Depression

i tell myself lies to stay alive

just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok

in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them

there is no end to the darkness

there is no such thing as happiness

should have could have would have

no one else knows what this feels like

i dont now who i am

i dont know anything ‘

i cant do anything about this

these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!

when you wish

because i was not the man she loved

i was just the man she was with

every time i held her every time we kissed

i died a little bit

knowing this was a wish that should have never came true

knowing that heartbreak could be the only out come of loving you

i embraced your laugh and i lusted for your smile

i placed you before me when knowing that this life was a lie

a pretend that had to end

a pretend that love couldn’t defy

but i wished for this

i wished for the life you had made with another

i wished that you would protect heart

we must be careful what we wish for

that wish may tear you apart

Today’s Date (something about feelings, a poem maybe)

i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.

i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.

i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.

i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.

i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.

i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.

i dont want to feel anything anymore.

the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away

i feel lost

i feel more afraid then i used to

i feel stupid

i feel neglected and over looked

i feel used

i feel mistreated

i feel unloved

i feel hatred

i feel angry

i feel caged

i feel damaged

i feel broken

i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love

i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings

i think i feel to much

Today’s Date

today’s post is really late, mostly because i wasn’t sure what i wanted to post, but really because i have been thinking about two things. one, love and the other, purpose. to be honest i don’t think i have much of both. love these last few years have become a foreign concept . i am not sure if it is the depression talking, the effects my past and current relationships are having on me or the fact that i just don’t know what i want from love any more. the second thing is purpose. i really dont know what im doing. i feeling like im turning 13 again but back then i had hope or at least a sense of what i want. im 33 now and i dont have that. i have no answers for myself and only more questions and frustrations. all i know is i have to acknowledge that i am lost and unmotivated to do much of anything.

a poem for September 10th 2015

i could easily just copy down something that i have already written

or i can be inspired by a post on instagram or twitter

see something clever on Facebook and pass it as my own

or i could give you something straight from my dome

my brain tries to maintain some sense of sanity

]but i honestly believe this reality is not meant for me

so every course and decision has be stressed

my suicidal thoughts have me vexed

because i want to fight on and yet continue on i dont want

i contradict both my actions and my thoughts

i want something better but i dont want to work no more

i want to be a success but i never leave out my house door

i wish to give all that i am to someone ‘

i wish to take all there is and share it with no one

these are my thoughts on September 10th 2015

as i fnd away to not go fill out my medical applications and forms

i wish i had something better to offer

but i just wanted to write down my thoughts with out them being judged liked or stomped on

thank you for reading

A note to my father part 2

Fuck you father  and yes I am intentionally being rude to you    because you was just some dude that came around to feel on my momma       and truth be told i dont remember how old i was i was when super mario 3 came out out    but i wanted it    and if im honest if you didn’t have that yellow and grey cartridge you was just a partridge singing songs that didn’t relate to me       so how you gone relate to me    if it wasn’t for blood you wouldn’t even be a relation to me   but i also remember the shoes the brown leather cow boy boots that they said you would wear where ever you went     and i remember begging for a pair hoping you would catch a glare and say that’s my boy trying to fill his daddy’s shoes         i lose    it never happened and those shoes had them all laughing at the Chicago kid who thought he was a cow boy    and its strange when you think the other kids had that same instinct to search for their dads      but it didn’t seem to affect them      i guess they had others around to compensate        while i had to wait in vain that these dream of mine would go away      a dream for a family caused those surrounding me          i couldn’t talk to or understand their meaning   so now i am mean because to them it seems im arrogant and an ass         but im just off to the side i guess still waiting for my dad   or at least someone that makes me feel that i didn’t lose out because you weren’t about    cause i never got the chance to lash out and just be a kid who’s mad