i tell myself lies to stay alive
just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok
in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them
there is no end to the darkness
there is no such thing as happiness
should have could have would have
no one else knows what this feels like
i dont now who i am
i dont know anything ‘
i cant do anything about this
these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!
because i was not the man she loved
i was just the man she was with
every time i held her every time we kissed
i died a little bit
knowing this was a wish that should have never came true
knowing that heartbreak could be the only out come of loving you
i embraced your laugh and i lusted for your smile
i placed you before me when knowing that this life was a lie
a pretend that had to end
a pretend that love couldn’t defy
but i wished for this
i wished for the life you had made with another
i wished that you would protect heart
we must be careful what we wish for
that wish may tear you apart
i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.
i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.
i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.
i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.
i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.
i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.
i dont want to feel anything anymore.
the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away
i feel lost
i feel more afraid then i used to
i feel stupid
i feel neglected and over looked
i feel used
i feel mistreated
i feel unloved
i feel hatred
i feel angry
i feel caged
i feel damaged
i feel broken
i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love
i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings
i think i feel to much
today’s post is really late, mostly because i wasn’t sure what i wanted to post, but really because i have been thinking about two things. one, love and the other, purpose. to be honest i don’t think i have much of both. love these last few years have become a foreign concept . i am not sure if it is the depression talking, the effects my past and current relationships are having on me or the fact that i just don’t know what i want from love any more. the second thing is purpose. i really dont know what im doing. i feeling like im turning 13 again but back then i had hope or at least a sense of what i want. im 33 now and i dont have that. i have no answers for myself and only more questions and frustrations. all i know is i have to acknowledge that i am lost and unmotivated to do much of anything.
i could easily just copy down something that i have already written
or i can be inspired by a post on instagram or twitter
see something clever on Facebook and pass it as my own
or i could give you something straight from my dome
my brain tries to maintain some sense of sanity
]but i honestly believe this reality is not meant for me
so every course and decision has be stressed
my suicidal thoughts have me vexed
because i want to fight on and yet continue on i dont want
i contradict both my actions and my thoughts
i want something better but i dont want to work no more
i want to be a success but i never leave out my house door
i wish to give all that i am to someone ‘
i wish to take all there is and share it with no one
these are my thoughts on September 10th 2015
as i fnd away to not go fill out my medical applications and forms
i wish i had something better to offer
but i just wanted to write down my thoughts with out them being judged liked or stomped on
thank you for reading
Fuck you father and yes I am intentionally being rude to you because you was just some dude that came around to feel on my momma and truth be told i dont remember how old i was i was when super mario 3 came out out but i wanted it and if im honest if you didn’t have that yellow and grey cartridge you was just a partridge singing songs that didn’t relate to me so how you gone relate to me if it wasn’t for blood you wouldn’t even be a relation to me but i also remember the shoes the brown leather cow boy boots that they said you would wear where ever you went and i remember begging for a pair hoping you would catch a glare and say that’s my boy trying to fill his daddy’s shoes i lose it never happened and those shoes had them all laughing at the Chicago kid who thought he was a cow boy and its strange when you think the other kids had that same instinct to search for their dads but it didn’t seem to affect them i guess they had others around to compensate while i had to wait in vain that these dream of mine would go away a dream for a family caused those surrounding me i couldn’t talk to or understand their meaning so now i am mean because to them it seems im arrogant and an ass but im just off to the side i guess still waiting for my dad or at least someone that makes me feel that i didn’t lose out because you weren’t about cause i never got the chance to lash out and just be a kid who’s mad