i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more. Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.
let us start with the setup.
last week friday or thursday, forgive my time displacement, i was on twitter active in a hashtag called #BlackComicsChat (join in next month you wont regret it) and one of the topics was what got you into comicsbook reading. A flood of joyous comicbook memories came into my head, from the first time i read a comic, to the fisrt time someone brought me a comic, to the first time i brought a stack of comics with my own money! Good times. then has the memories came in and as i read the response of others i began to be filled with anger and negatives thoughts. i was so shocked and surprised, i was having a great time, the event reminded me of why i love comics so much but why was i beginning to feel this way? why were so many bad memories rushing to the surface and trying to take away the joy that i had been feeling learning that i was not the only one who felt this way about the four colored world of heroes and villain? Depression. i think people dont realize that is how depression can take a hold on you. it can creep in on the strongest, most positive feelings and place only the negative in front of you. So i got off of twitter and took 30 deep breathes and did a few of my rethinking exercises that i learned in therapy and went back to the event. that moment was the first time where i felt that i would be ok that i knew that this was a fight that i was winning, a fight that isnt over but a fight that i am in. to those that are dealing with some of the stuff i write about and some of the issues that depression causes if you find yourself reading this, FIGHT. YOU CAN WIN!!!!
These are just a couple of songs that have really been helpful lately in keeping me positive and processing my emotions better.
a cool beat to vibe to from one of my favorite anime’s
a song that expresses my hesitation about expressing love
my i dont want to be social anthem
my current favorite song that makes me think about someone i really miss
these are just a few i may do another music post again this week
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i often wonder why you rescued me
if only in my life to a deterrent to me
a continuing obstacle
trying to hinder me
was it something different about me
something that no one else sees
you never protected me
when the time came you neglected me
i often wonder why you rescued me
this is the thing i noticed the least as my depression set in. i stopped making plans or worse i made plans and the depression found excuse for me to back out of them. i didnt notice how bad it got until after i left my job earlier this year. i just didnt want to do anything. i didnt want to hang. i didnt want to be outside. i didnt want to be around people. yet with not wanting those things i also cut off an avenue that could help me fight the depression, not saying that there are not times when you just dont want to go out but that the depression can make those times feel like ALL the time. so last week i started making plans and not just plans top go to therapy but plans to go out side. made plans to see friends. made plans to travel outside the three block radius of my house. hell i made plans to leave my damn room. then i did the next hard part i made myself keep these plans and not allow depression to turn me into a flake so hopefully soon there will be pictures on my social to show myself that i can be the best me i can be while outside!
it has been rough since last week Thursday. some dumb shit that was complete out of my control (and if it was in my control when i learned what happened it was to late for me to do anything about it) triggered me and set me off into a deep depression. fortunately i didnt do anything and made it to my therapy session on Friday and there i just let out all the stuff that i had bottled up and it made me feel worse at first. i was hiding from how i was really feeling and talking about it opened the flood gates. the thing is eventually the rush and overwhelming feeling left and i was just left with sadness. writing this now is even a little difficult because the trigger is still there and coping with it brings out more than just sadness it also brings out anger and hatred and rage and a sense of no longer wanting to be here. but i am here i dont no why i am here the feeling of not wanting to be here and the sadness havent left it just feels more manageable. i made small goals for myself. just little things to do to get me to teh next day even if i didnt think i wanted to make it to the next day. my therapist did as well asked me to to small things just to even make it to Monday. i did them. i am here maybe that is the best i can do right now. maybe that is all i need. i will do my best to stay positive and see what happens tomorrow. i probably wont post here but maybe something on instagram or twitter, something to keep me out of my negative thoughts.