this has just been a bad day. i feel like every trigger i had came at me. right now at this moment i am fine but it has been rough. i feel like there is no one to talk to. i know there is but it feels like i dont.
I want to keep my blog schedule so i am writing.
i completed my 30 day challenge today.
i am trying to find the positives and i think i am.
today has just been ugh
when she get high she wants to touch
when she get high she wants to suck
when she gets high she wants to fuck
he spends a lot of money on weed
when she smiles he wants to smash
after they kiss he wants to hit
when he grabs her butt he wants to cut
all his code words for sex are violent
what is the attraction
is it the flesh or the drugs
can they be separated
could they replace love
i always knew that there are an uncountable amount of triggers that could set me off and lead me into a bout of depression.
Today I put into affect that there are also a numerous amount of triggers that can lead me out of depression.
to be a p[positive person takes work and a constant vigil. it can be done
And like unstable molecules emotions are always in flux, they are not fixed
which means we have the power to move them as they move us
it is all malleable and we can shape it to whatever we want
can’t dream about anything good
can’t seem to find the peace of my pillow
searching for a moment of rest
can’t seem to get my mind to take a breathe
i don’t know whats left in my tank
but i think, yes, that i think too much
for such are the thoughts that are racing in my head
when all i want to do is
soooooooooooooo a few days ago i say a picture of a woman i have a huge crush on (yes i embrace the fact i am over 30 and still crush on people) and in the picture it looked liked she had on an engagement ring! i went into the dark fog of sadness and depression super fast. suddenly i was never gonna get married or have children, no woman would ever love a man with mental illness. i fell so hard so fast and once i realized what i was doing i laughed and snapped out of it!
i tell you of this moment as an example because a year ago those thoughts would not have just been a moment they would have been the rest of my week! they would have been in every action and every thought until another depressing thought came along.that is not the case anymore. i can realize when a depressing thought comes along and now i have the tools to help myself come out of the fog.
does the fear of not finding someone to love still persist? yes. thanks to therapy i have learned to take those negative thoughts and think of a better outlook. like, maybe right now i dont need to worry about being with another person right now i am actually enjoying working on myself. that if i work on myself enough i will find someone that will understand what i am trying to do and i wont have to fear telling them about my depression. that this is a great time to focus on me so that if i find someone to love i will be ready to give them my all!
btw my crush is not engaged lol
this is not going to be a long bog post because everything seems to be going just find. besides from a sudden illness and vision trouble i have noting to complain about. which is why i think i have been having this nagging question, how strongly does having a significant other affect ones mental health? this is something i am going to bring up in therapy because in all honesty i know some of my bad relationship decisions have come from my unhealthy mental and emotional reactions. is it possible to find love when you know you have these types of issues? ok im going to go destroy a box of tissues now i hope you are doing well and i will talk to you soon!
i dont want to write today
does it mean that i dont like life today
i take breathe today
should i not write
i had thoughts today
should i not write
my body moved and swayed
should i not write
i am a writer is writing not life
So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day, I may be normal. I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response. I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook.
On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated. One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.
Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.