Monthly Archives: November 2015

Today’s Date UGH

this has just been a bad day. i feel like every trigger i had came at me. right now at this moment i am fine but it has been rough. i feel like there is no one to talk to. i know there is but it feels like i dont.

I want to keep my blog schedule so i am writing.

i completed my 30 day challenge today.

i am trying to find the positives and i think i am.

today has just been ugh

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which is the drug

when she get high she wants to touch

when she get high she wants to suck

when she gets high she wants to fuck

he spends a lot of money on weed

when she smiles he wants to smash

after they kiss he wants to hit

when he grabs her butt he wants to cut

all his code words for sex are violent

what is the attraction

is it the flesh or the drugs

can they be separated

could they replace love

Today’s Date Unstable Molecules

i always knew that there are an uncountable amount of triggers that could set me off and lead me into a bout of depression.

Today I put into affect that there are also a numerous amount of triggers that can lead me out of depression.

to be a p[positive person takes work and a constant vigil. it can be done

And like unstable molecules emotions are always in flux, they are not fixed

which means we have the power to move them as they move us

it is all malleable and we can shape it to whatever we want

especially Happiness

Go To Sleep (unfinished)

Can’t Sleep

can’t dream about anything good

can’t seem to find the peace of my pillow

searching for a moment of rest

can’t seem to get my mind to take a breathe

i don’t know whats left in my tank

but i think, yes, that i think too much

for such are the thoughts that are racing in my head

when all i want to do is

GO

TO

SLEEP

 

 

Today’s Date a tale of loneliness and progress

soooooooooooooo a few days ago i say a picture of a woman i have a huge crush on (yes i embrace the fact i am over 30 and still crush on people)  and in the picture it looked liked she had on an engagement ring! i went into the dark fog of sadness and depression super fast. suddenly i was never gonna get married or have children, no woman would ever love a man with mental illness. i fell so hard so fast and once i realized what i was doing i laughed and snapped out of it!

i tell you of this moment as an example because a year ago those thoughts would not have just been a moment they would have been the rest of my week! they would have been in every action and every thought until another depressing thought came along.that is not the case anymore. i can realize when a depressing thought comes along and now i have the tools to help myself come out of the fog.

does the fear of not finding someone to love still persist? yes. thanks to therapy i have learned to take those negative thoughts and think of a better outlook. like, maybe right now i dont need to worry about being with another person right now i am actually enjoying working on myself. that if i work on myself enough i will find someone that will understand what i am trying to do and i wont have to fear telling them about my depression. that this is a great time to focus on me so that if i find someone to love i will be ready to give them my all!

btw my crush is not engaged lol

Today’s Date what about love

this is not going to be a long bog post because everything seems to be going just find. besides from a sudden illness and vision trouble i have noting to complain about. which is why i think i have been having this nagging question, how strongly does having a significant other affect ones mental health? this is something i am going to bring up in therapy because in all honesty i know some of my bad relationship decisions have come from my unhealthy mental and emotional reactions. is it possible to find love when you know you have these types of issues?  ok im going to go destroy a box of tissues now i hope you are doing well and i will talk to you soon!

Today’s Date I may be normal

So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day,  I may be normal.  I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response.  I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook. 

On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated.  One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.

Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.