Monthly Archives: February 2016

Today’s Date Being Social

this weekend i truly see why my therapist says that being social is key to getting my mental health back on track. i have been feeling really down and upset that i havent been spending much time with my friends and people i really like due to many circumstances. i was sad and angry about it a lot. i just stopped talking to people and facebook kept my anger going because it showed me those friends have been out and about. i now seems really petty but it affected me. so with that in mind i made it a point to talk to as many other people as possible and make plans to get out of the house. i got sick and then had a few plans fall through but one still held up. i fought through the illness and did my best to stay positive to ensure that atleast my Saturday plans went through. its strange to me as a writer that i dont want to write about such a positive experience..i had such a good time talking and dancing and just being out with people that i didnt even really now to then have the great experience of old friends showing up at the party and catching up on years of missed time. it elevated a lot of the stress and anger i was feeling towards my friends which i believe now is mostly anger at myself for not being in a position where i can go out and enjoy myself on a regular basis i am glad i was able to go out and make a new memory. i need to do more of that.

I wrote about it

facebook status istagram post tumblr blogs and snapchat story videos

youtube shares and twitter rants i wrote about this love it seems if i tried to stop i just cant

an entire note books of poems and more than a few blogs

i try no contact but mutual friends make things hard

so i write about it people tell me to move on

so i write about her muse is so strong

so it seems that i have more than just a thing for the way that those island hips swing

it should have been just a fling just a sexual thing when i learned about her ring i should have stopped everything

we did

that didnt last long

even in denial forbidden love can be too strong

maybe some of the force was because it was so wrong

all i know is i write about it often a love i should have never had

a love i lost i should have never had

a love i lost i should have never grabbed on to

tried my hardest to hold on to

so how do i not write about it if i still long to

hold you kiss you love you

so i write about how much i miss you

so i write about how much i wish i never knew you

i write about how my heart cant seem to heal

i write about how heartache is beyond real

so i write about how low i feel

and i write

darkness becomes light and wrong is made right by the movement of my pen to paper my fingers on the keys and then i can breathe and think of good tings and hope you are happy

then i write about that

then it leads me to write about other things

so i write about it

A quick thought

I want to disappear
And let’s be clear this ain’t no suicide note
But sometimes it’s a place where there is no hope
To cope with that  can be overwhelming
You say keep fighting  but what I’m fighting for you can’t tell me
So let me disappear
Let me find a place where the smog clears
Where I can wipe away my doubt
Where I can figure out what I am about
So let me disappear and if I am truly free it is my choice if I come back here

Today’s Date just for me

so i didnt post yesterday. at first i felt bad and had to do my positive thinking exercise to fight depression but then i had a thought. i had written, i had actually written three new poems. i liked all three but didnt want to post. so i had a thought what if these poems were just for me.? what if these poems were not made to be seen by anyone else but me right now? is that ok? YES! yes it is ok as a writer to write stuff that is just for me right now. stuff that i had to put pen to paper but dont necessarily have to share. there is noting bad about about what i was writing, hell, some it it has been my best since i got back from Japan but right now they are just for me. something just for me is ok and perfectly fine. i am happy with that thought.

Today’s Date Please Stand By

i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just  me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.

im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.

there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality

No safe places

there are no safe places for me

quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history

if i identify as straight i must hate gays

if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race

if i identify as a man i must hate women

if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion

cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm

dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong

cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil

cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain

cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain

there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name