Today’s Date Please Stand By

i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just  me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.

im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.

there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality

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2 thoughts on “Today’s Date Please Stand By

  1. I want to let you know that you are courageous for continuing your blog post despite how you feel. I’m sure it’s not easy. I also want to let you know that you’re not alone. I read pretty much every single one of your posts.

    I read them because I understand what you’re going through, believe it or not. In 2006 I was hospitalized and diagnosed with depression. I was suicidal and felt hopeless, but (not to get spiritual or new age) a miracle happened.

    The morning after I attempted to take my life and woke in the hospital I went to eat breakfast. Then I was told I had a phone call. It was my sister. At the time I was living in New York and I rarely heard from her. So I figured she knew what happened, but that wasn’t her reason for calling. She called to let me know that last night my uncle committed suicide. I’m not saying my uncle taking his own life was a miracle, but the timing seemed divine in nature.

    This was the day I completely changed the way I saw everything. I was agnostic (closer to atheist) and I literally felt like God was speaking to me. Again, I’m not saying this to get all spiritual. Now that I practice Taoism I prefer not to impose any form of spiritual belief toward you.

    I do want you to know that you are NEVER alone. I thought I had absolutely nobody. I was by myself in a hospital in New York where I had no family and friends. I thought to myself, “am I here because external events caused this, or am I the cause?” The truth was that I was the cause. The answer to all my problems lied deep inside me.

    I was at rock bottom, and believed I had no way out. However, I looked at the people that I modeled myself after. Many of them had stories about them rising from the bottom to become an inspiration to millions. So I knew it was possible.

    It took seven years to drag myself out of those circumstances. You met me while I was in the process of all that. At that time I was struggling to get by, but my resolve was bulletproof. I knew I was destined to me more. You are too.

    It’s possible to change your circumstances. Miracles are possible. I chose to view my uncle’s tragic end as a motivator. He died without any legacy. You have to ask yourself, “do I want a legacy?”

    I want to help others. I want to create something that continues to help others when I’m dead and gone hundreds of years from now. If you died tomorrow, would you want this blog to be your legacy?

    To be honest my friend, this is so much bigger than you and I. We play a small role in a massive production, but we have to choose our role. That takes belief in yourself.

    Stay strong.

    1. I can’t believe I didn’t see this, even though it said I approved it. Maybe because I would not have been ready to receive your words then. Thank you law for sharing your story with me. Finding my motivation is one of the many things that have perplexed me but your question may have given me a new focal point. The legacy of Darrin Bradley? P.S. keep up the good work I love your star wars vids!

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