I want to disappear
And let’s be clear this ain’t no suicide note
But sometimes it’s a place where there is no hope
To cope with that can be overwhelming
You say keep fighting but what I’m fighting for you can’t tell me
So let me disappear
Let me find a place where the smog clears
Where I can wipe away my doubt
Where I can figure out what I am about
So let me disappear and if I am truly free it is my choice if I come back here
so i didnt post yesterday. at first i felt bad and had to do my positive thinking exercise to fight depression but then i had a thought. i had written, i had actually written three new poems. i liked all three but didnt want to post. so i had a thought what if these poems were just for me.? what if these poems were not made to be seen by anyone else but me right now? is that ok? YES! yes it is ok as a writer to write stuff that is just for me right now. stuff that i had to put pen to paper but dont necessarily have to share. there is noting bad about about what i was writing, hell, some it it has been my best since i got back from Japan but right now they are just for me. something just for me is ok and perfectly fine. i am happy with that thought.
i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.
im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.
there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality
been having some eye trouble today. thought it would clear up. hopefully by next week i can focus some more and get a poem or ywo up.
take care people
there are no safe places for me
quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history
if i identify as straight i must hate gays
if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race
if i identify as a man i must hate women
if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion
cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm
dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong
cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil
cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain
cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain
there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name
it seems people only pay attention to you when you are gone
only love you when they are wrong
are only around when you are strong
only acknowledge you when there is pain
only value you when there is something to gain
only apologize when they get caught
are only impressed when you are in second place
only concerned after the fears you faced
only appear after you weathered the storm
only ask how you are doing when all is gone
only find time when you need to be alone
only have an opinion until you write this poem
missed another blog posting and i was doing so well before Japan. i really dont know what’s going on but i would like to fix it.
yesterday was such a bad mental health day for me that i forgot to post and now i just wake up anger at life. i have to see what i can do to make myself feel better UGH!
WHAT’S UP PEOPLE!!!!!!
i have been gone for a little bit. Took an unexpected trip to JAPAN!!!!!!!!!! It was an almost pure last minute thing that i did not expect and i am so glad that i took the opportunity to go! My friend Alex is the one who invited me and set up the trip! (and paid for it, he is amazing) We went from Dec. 27, to Jan. 11 so we spent New Year’s and my birthday in JAPAN!!! So having a blog most people thought oi would chronicle the experience on here and keep up a daily blog schedule but i took a different approach. one reason is because we would not always have reliable WiFi and another is because i wanted to write about what i was experiencing at the time. yes, this is writing typing on the blog but there is something so intimate about putting pen to paper and since right before i left on the trip my sisters brought me a journal i took it as the right thing to do to write what was going on down in there.
I am so glad i did. it has been a long time since i have written with a pen on a daily bases that it made the whole experience when more amazing! the mental exercise of writing without spell check and still capturing the experience of climbing two mountains and feeding deer in a Buddhist temple or just becoming infatuated with a pretty girl that you talked to for five minutes in between sight seeing. we traveled to five cities in those two weeks, Tokyo, Mt. Fuji, Kyoto, Osaka and Nara. Each city held its own style and feel plus getting to them was awesome. The public train system in Japan was so complex yet easy to navigate, the operators were beyond helpful and if you messed up they were to happy to help you with adjustments! (inside joke) THEN THERE WAS THE BULLET TRAIN! it was beyond cool and yes even with the experience of riding the monorail at Disney, noting can compare to taking the bullet train around a mountain and across half a country!
The food by the gods the food! we didnt have one bad meal while we were there and that includes the two meals we had that we got from 7-11! Yes I said 7-11!!!! everything was so fresh and even with eating noodles two or three times a day noting tasted the same and was a new, wonderful experience.
there are so many things to talk about like how we didnt see any trash on the ground for almost two weeks or how that a shrine in the middle of the day in a busy city surrounded by traffic and skyscrapers was the most quiet place i have ever been in my life! i could talk about how comic books and sex arent looked upon as something to be hidden or placed in a sub culture as if it is beneath people and scary but placed out in a manner of normality that doesnt offend anyone! i could go on for days about the comics and the diversity of the people who enjoyed them with no shame. i could begin an entire new blog post about how traditional and the latest in modern advances live side by side in harmony! I can talk for days about the women!!!! I could go on and on but i wont.
i love writing and i believe writing can be a gateway for people to leave the surroundings that they may be trapped on or take them to places that dont even exist but now i also believe that sometimes you just have to go. you just have to stop looking upon others and their experiences and have your own! THEN WRITE ABOUT THAT!
and for my black people in america, GO! GO to places outside of the states! GO to places where you may be uncomfortable! GO to places where the government actually wants you around! GO to places that you think that you can only read about! THEN WRITE ABOUT IT!
if you want to see pictures and random thoughts from or about my trip follow my social media!
Be well to yourself
Remember to Be and that is all that can be asked.
See you in the new year.