Tag Archives: Anger

Today’s Date A new 30 day challenge and dealing with loss.

i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more.  Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.

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Today’s Date Thoughts from Depression

i tell myself lies to stay alive

just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok

in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them

there is no end to the darkness

there is no such thing as happiness

should have could have would have

no one else knows what this feels like

i dont now who i am

i dont know anything ‘

i cant do anything about this

these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!

A note to my father part 2

Fuck you father  and yes I am intentionally being rude to you    because you was just some dude that came around to feel on my momma       and truth be told i dont remember how old i was i was when super mario 3 came out out    but i wanted it    and if im honest if you didn’t have that yellow and grey cartridge you was just a partridge singing songs that didn’t relate to me       so how you gone relate to me    if it wasn’t for blood you wouldn’t even be a relation to me   but i also remember the shoes the brown leather cow boy boots that they said you would wear where ever you went     and i remember begging for a pair hoping you would catch a glare and say that’s my boy trying to fill his daddy’s shoes         i lose    it never happened and those shoes had them all laughing at the Chicago kid who thought he was a cow boy    and its strange when you think the other kids had that same instinct to search for their dads      but it didn’t seem to affect them      i guess they had others around to compensate        while i had to wait in vain that these dream of mine would go away      a dream for a family caused those surrounding me          i couldn’t talk to or understand their meaning   so now i am mean because to them it seems im arrogant and an ass         but im just off to the side i guess still waiting for my dad   or at least someone that makes me feel that i didn’t lose out because you weren’t about    cause i never got the chance to lash out and just be a kid who’s mad

The Birth of Rage

I think you learned something

I think you learned that life sucks and you weren’t given the tools to handle that realization

and no matter how smart you get or what you accomplish

without those tools you will face daily complications

you were/are surrounded by dumb ass people

and because of piss poor parenting you were taught to defer to these dumb ass people

when you finally got angry enough, fed up with stupidity

that piss poor parenting made you think those feelings were the enemy

you didn’t know what do do with your rage

a rage born from wanting to be better than what was presented as the norm

a rage that came from wanting to explore the walls outside of your home

a rage that came from books that showed you that history had been deformed

a rage that said i am a man not a nigger for you to spit on

and now you are stuck in your rage

a rage you don’t want to leave

you don’t want to leave until all those dumb ass people feel your rage

but something in you is holding you back

holding you back from what you want to do most

and you are stuck

because one day you realized that life sucks

and you weren’t given the tools in which to construct

a lane for that rage to be useful on

so you rage on

I need to write something today

i need to write today

but lets re-watch game of thrones

i need to write something today

but after i put that new YouTube video on

i need to write something today

to ward off the sadness and the depression

i need to write something today

to pay for a life i wanted to give up

i need to write something today

but you just thought about that girl you meet a few days ago and pornhub is ya best buddy

i need to write something today

to make up for all those times you had a clever line and made a facebook, twitter, instagram post instead of butting in work to make a poem to express the true complexities of what you were trying to say

i need to write something today

because you admitted that you wanted to give up on your hopes and dreams and become a wage slave

i need to write something today

because for a second the anger took control and all i wanted to do was hurt people even if they deserved it, i need to stop and take these thoughts and turn them into actions that can become the success and freedom and love that i crave

i need to write something today

to express that yes i love you, that i love the individual that is me, i love the me that my people created, that i love my people, and yes i need to say these things out loud but by all that is and i mean that by all that is, writing it down just makes it seem all the more real

i need to write something today. because if i write it down today i may just find a reason to embrace this life and want to stay

im glad i wrote something today

a realizations

the simple and horrible realization is

that no matter how much someone has fucked you up in the head

messed up your ability to function as a human being

it’s still all ON YOU

the don’t have to take any responsibility or blame

you hurt yourself

IT’S ON YOU

you hurt someone else in a state of suicide or depression

IT’S ON YOU

finding the help you need

ON YOU

learning how not to be this way

ON YOU

maybe knowing that can motivate you or give you a sense of power

but right now

it all just feels

shitty

spending the rest of my life fixing what you broke in side of me

sword poem 3

it is not me that keeps the sword sheathed

it is the sword that keeps my anger and fury contained

for a sword should only be unsheathed for two purposes

the  first, is when it is needed to strike and injure another. to show the purpose of consequences

for you can not bring back another from a fatal blow

the second, is when it is needed to be honed, sharpened and taken care of.

for to practice discipline and care is to create character

the perfection of a sword is not in it’s use but in it’ quiet moments away from battle

today’s date

i went to lay down for two seconds

for the first time today i wasnt  distracted by

tv

movies

video games

meaningless conversation

cleaning

reading

or just moving something

so i went to lay down for two seconds

and the first thoughts that came to mind was how much i want to hurt these people

i need to break out of this fucking depression and get my shit together

and to my fucking so called friends who think i need to check in on them but don’t fucking check in with me and don’t read this blog to even know half the shit im dealing with FUCK YOU!

Day 23. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

it’s funny how the money changes situations! me and my siblings have been getting along quite well since my mother went to visit our brother on the east coast. no fighting, everything has just been chilled but a few issues with the house have come up and i have a few bucks stashed so my helped was asked. i did not mean to rhyme that but im not changing it. i have limited funds so i asked for when my money can be paid back and of course here comes all the bs about how we all need to live here and mom needs this just fixed but when i was working a steady job and everyone in this household had money saved no one wanted to listen or spend money. i was willing to help. i was willing to help when we all had steady money coming in. now im a fucking bad guy because i want to protect the little money i have. fuck you. everybody suddenly lives here and has to help when it comes to my money but when you have money there are no problems in the house that need fixing. time to start getting paid for this writing and get the away from these people. i am just sick of the double standard and hypocrisy.