my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football, a sport he loves, disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book…… a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive. god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud.
HALF WAY THROUGH THE CHALLENGE PEOPLE! WISH ME LUCK!!!!
insecurities. i tell you people insecurities are going to mess us up. insecurities will keep us from asking for help. insecurities will make us see others confidence as arrogance. insecurities will have us lying when the truth was no threat at all. insecurities will give power to our fears when there should have never been fear in the first place. it is sad that my relationship with a married woman may have been my most healthy relationship to date because she had few if no insecurities about herself. she didn’t lie or feel they need to lie about ours or any other situation, she had no fear of my reactions to anything because we communicated everything to alleviate any insecurities or false perception. that is why it pains me so to see my married friends in relationships where their partner seems to have to lie about such small insignificant things. things that don’t need to be lied about which just makes one wonder about the bigs things that person is capable of lying about. being insecure no matter how much a person loves you can push them away especially if that person is being supportive and wants noting but the best for you. this post is not saying that you don’t have the right to be insecure about things, no one is perfect, but you should not let you insecurities color you thoughts and feelings about someone who cares for you. the best way to cure insecurities is to communicate and be honest with yourself and others.
Where Will I Get Caught
Where Will I Allow Capture
If I Get Caught At All
May 2 2006
i’m in my own world/money and girls/going out early evenings that dont end to 8 AM/I hope this indulgence isn’t a sin/cause i don’t want this to end/the first time i felt free from all the pain that binds me/you know what/fuck that shit/and don’t remind me/ when life treated me grimy but i shot that bitch/now life is fine/ i worked hard for my happiness/peace is mine/peace in mind body and spirit/adversity I do not fear it/nothing will dampen my shine/hate and jealousy bring it on/ my intelligence and determination four times strong/
girl said i’m cold hearted/useless emotions have departed/love,compassion, and caring a waste to me/i found out i live better when my only concern is me/
laugh at your ass/dirty motherfucker/splash some water on your ass/super soak ya/the h20 will choke ya swallow don’t spit/the overflow is to much for you bitch/
if i find more i will post soon lol #youth
I am not afraid of my anger
I am afraid of how long it takes for me to calm down
I am not afraid of the man thoughts of pain and harm i want to inflict on those that anger me
I am afraid that I don’t have a problem with hurting those that anger me
I am afraid that the part of me that likes hurting people will get out and i wont want to cage it up again
I am afraid I am a violent man and that this violence far out weighs my intelligence
I am afraid that this other part of me is the real me
I am afraid of that day
when I am no longer afraid