i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more. Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.
Tag Archives: angry
Today’s Date (something about feelings, a poem maybe)
i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.
i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.
i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.
i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.
i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.
i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.
i dont want to feel anything anymore.
the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away
i feel lost
i feel more afraid then i used to
i feel stupid
i feel neglected and over looked
i feel used
i feel mistreated
i feel unloved
i feel hatred
i feel angry
i feel caged
i feel damaged
i feel broken
i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love
i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings
i think i feel to much
A note to my father part 2
Fuck you father and yes I am intentionally being rude to you because you was just some dude that came around to feel on my momma and truth be told i dont remember how old i was i was when super mario 3 came out out but i wanted it and if im honest if you didn’t have that yellow and grey cartridge you was just a partridge singing songs that didn’t relate to me so how you gone relate to me if it wasn’t for blood you wouldn’t even be a relation to me but i also remember the shoes the brown leather cow boy boots that they said you would wear where ever you went and i remember begging for a pair hoping you would catch a glare and say that’s my boy trying to fill his daddy’s shoes i lose it never happened and those shoes had them all laughing at the Chicago kid who thought he was a cow boy and its strange when you think the other kids had that same instinct to search for their dads but it didn’t seem to affect them i guess they had others around to compensate while i had to wait in vain that these dream of mine would go away a dream for a family caused those surrounding me i couldn’t talk to or understand their meaning so now i am mean because to them it seems im arrogant and an ass but im just off to the side i guess still waiting for my dad or at least someone that makes me feel that i didn’t lose out because you weren’t about cause i never got the chance to lash out and just be a kid who’s mad
I need to write something today
i need to write today
but lets re-watch game of thrones
i need to write something today
but after i put that new YouTube video on
i need to write something today
to ward off the sadness and the depression
i need to write something today
to pay for a life i wanted to give up
i need to write something today
but you just thought about that girl you meet a few days ago and pornhub is ya best buddy
i need to write something today
to make up for all those times you had a clever line and made a facebook, twitter, instagram post instead of butting in work to make a poem to express the true complexities of what you were trying to say
i need to write something today
because you admitted that you wanted to give up on your hopes and dreams and become a wage slave
i need to write something today
because for a second the anger took control and all i wanted to do was hurt people even if they deserved it, i need to stop and take these thoughts and turn them into actions that can become the success and freedom and love that i crave
i need to write something today
to express that yes i love you, that i love the individual that is me, i love the me that my people created, that i love my people, and yes i need to say these things out loud but by all that is and i mean that by all that is, writing it down just makes it seem all the more real
i need to write something today. because if i write it down today i may just find a reason to embrace this life and want to stay
im glad i wrote something today