Tag Archives: belief

Today’s Date A new 30 day challenge and dealing with loss.

i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more.  Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.

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when you wish

because i was not the man she loved

i was just the man she was with

every time i held her every time we kissed

i died a little bit

knowing this was a wish that should have never came true

knowing that heartbreak could be the only out come of loving you

i embraced your laugh and i lusted for your smile

i placed you before me when knowing that this life was a lie

a pretend that had to end

a pretend that love couldn’t defy

but i wished for this

i wished for the life you had made with another

i wished that you would protect heart

we must be careful what we wish for

that wish may tear you apart

Today’s Date (something about feelings, a poem maybe)

i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.

i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.

i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.

i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.

i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.

i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.

i dont want to feel anything anymore.

the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away

i feel lost

i feel more afraid then i used to

i feel stupid

i feel neglected and over looked

i feel used

i feel mistreated

i feel unloved

i feel hatred

i feel angry

i feel caged

i feel damaged

i feel broken

i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love

i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings

i think i feel to much

is it love?

if you follow me on my personal facebook page, you may have noticed that i have been posting a lot of lyrics to love songs. am i in love currently? No. well, not in the way you are thinking. i believe i am learning to love myself and in doing so i find myself wanting to be in a place of love. not romantic love but a love that brings me peace and calm. not saying that being loved by someone else cant do those things but two people always create friction. i dont want friction in my heart right now. hell, i couldnt handle it right now. So what i am saying is find a love song even if you are not in love and just enjoy the very thought that love does exists.

P.S.

i know by looking at the dates of some of my post that i suck. i am relearning what hard work and consistency means. so since my last update lets see, i found a job, loved the job, found a girl, starting hating the job, quit the job, lost the girl and trying my best to overcome my issues in therapy. i hope to get way better with post because doing this entire time i have been writing just not posting and i will get better with that.

be well

February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

January

January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!

morbidness action/reaction time management

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

so maybe i rush things too

and other things i dont even pursue

maybe that’s why i dont clean my room

or rewrite my will

when i have nothing and no one to really leave anything to

i fell like im going to die again real soon

is that why i am such a loud dude

that fights for those who’s knees were cut off to soon

so if i leave again you will notice that i left the room

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

the forth maybe the most unbearable

but i have hope i will come back from that one too

i feel like im going to die again real soon

P.S. did almost die that forth time and here i stand!!!!!!!

Because it’s My Birthday precious!

today’s date blog is all about yesterday!

yesterday was my 33rd birthday and to say i was hard getting there s an understatement. my battle with depression took a turn for the worst late lat year and it looked like i wasnt going to see 2015 but today i am happy that that is no the case. YESTERDAY WAS AWESOME. the only thing i had planned on doing was posting a free pics to social media (go and follow me on everything lol) letting people know it was my bday and was going to just say thank you to those that wished me a happy one. it turned out to be so much greater! i got well wishes from those that i havent seen in ages. beautiful notes from beautiful women who i didnt even think noticed me. words of encouragement from those i look up to who i didnt think saw the things that i have been going through. i got gifts that i didnt ask for because on that day just being here was enough for me. the notes, facebook statuses, private messages and early morning phone calls warmed my heart in ways that i couldnt imagine i still could fill and that alone is a gift i can never repay . for that i say thank you to all and for those that went the extra mile i hope the private messages i sent in return conveyed half of my appreciation for you!!!!

but let’s talk about them gifts tho lol

i got a surprise gift from my mom which was really cool because i didnt expect her to get me anything and that was really nice.

one of my mentors (SKINNER) took me out to an awesome meal at the cheesecake factory (SOOOOO GOOD) and about five hours of conversation, that i thought was the best thing to have because i am starting to realize that after all my brushes with death the time we choose to spend with each other us more valuable then we can ever know.

THEN i got a really expensive book that i LOVE LOVE LOVE (its the history of westeros! #gameofthrones

i dont make plans for my birthday since i turned 23 so i like to usually i  find a really good book and just enjoy it. these last few years i have been in the hospital or ill so i would be dealing with that and those things were a leading cause of he depression but i am so glad that i didnt do anything to harm myself because i would have missed out on one of my best birthdays to date and the greatest gifts that one could ask for, the gift of being loved.

thank you all again and i know the thirty third year of me will be the best year of them all

sword poem 3

it is not me that keeps the sword sheathed

it is the sword that keeps my anger and fury contained

for a sword should only be unsheathed for two purposes

the  first, is when it is needed to strike and injure another. to show the purpose of consequences

for you can not bring back another from a fatal blow

the second, is when it is needed to be honed, sharpened and taken care of.

for to practice discipline and care is to create character

the perfection of a sword is not in it’s use but in it’ quiet moments away from battle