I have been so bad with the blogs. I had to have another surgery earlier this month and it had me super down where I just didn’t want to write. I think now those are the times that I need to write more. I had taken so much pride in keeping up with my post I hate that it ist the first thing I stop doing when I feel sick or really depressed. I need to do better, hell I need to write or post on days other than Monday and Thursday. I need to have more human interaction and not be so closed of. I need to believe in myself.
hey world i dont have much to say today
nothing about heartache or even the love of a sunny day
so i took the time to write this just to say
i am a human being
and being that is o k
this weekend i truly see why my therapist says that being social is key to getting my mental health back on track. i have been feeling really down and upset that i havent been spending much time with my friends and people i really like due to many circumstances. i was sad and angry about it a lot. i just stopped talking to people and facebook kept my anger going because it showed me those friends have been out and about. i now seems really petty but it affected me. so with that in mind i made it a point to talk to as many other people as possible and make plans to get out of the house. i got sick and then had a few plans fall through but one still held up. i fought through the illness and did my best to stay positive to ensure that atleast my Saturday plans went through. its strange to me as a writer that i dont want to write about such a positive experience..i had such a good time talking and dancing and just being out with people that i didnt even really now to then have the great experience of old friends showing up at the party and catching up on years of missed time. it elevated a lot of the stress and anger i was feeling towards my friends which i believe now is mostly anger at myself for not being in a position where i can go out and enjoy myself on a regular basis i am glad i was able to go out and make a new memory. i need to do more of that.
facebook status istagram post tumblr blogs and snapchat story videos
youtube shares and twitter rants i wrote about this love it seems if i tried to stop i just cant
an entire note books of poems and more than a few blogs
i try no contact but mutual friends make things hard
so i write about it people tell me to move on
so i write about her muse is so strong
so it seems that i have more than just a thing for the way that those island hips swing
it should have been just a fling just a sexual thing when i learned about her ring i should have stopped everything
that didnt last long
even in denial forbidden love can be too strong
maybe some of the force was because it was so wrong
all i know is i write about it often a love i should have never had
a love i lost i should have never had
a love i lost i should have never grabbed on to
tried my hardest to hold on to
so how do i not write about it if i still long to
hold you kiss you love you
so i write about how much i miss you
so i write about how much i wish i never knew you
i write about how my heart cant seem to heal
i write about how heartache is beyond real
so i write about how low i feel
and i write
darkness becomes light and wrong is made right by the movement of my pen to paper my fingers on the keys and then i can breathe and think of good tings and hope you are happy
then i write about that
then it leads me to write about other things
so i write about it
I want to disappear
And let’s be clear this ain’t no suicide note
But sometimes it’s a place where there is no hope
To cope with that can be overwhelming
You say keep fighting but what I’m fighting for you can’t tell me
So let me disappear
Let me find a place where the smog clears
Where I can wipe away my doubt
Where I can figure out what I am about
So let me disappear and if I am truly free it is my choice if I come back here
so i didnt post yesterday. at first i felt bad and had to do my positive thinking exercise to fight depression but then i had a thought. i had written, i had actually written three new poems. i liked all three but didnt want to post. so i had a thought what if these poems were just for me.? what if these poems were not made to be seen by anyone else but me right now? is that ok? YES! yes it is ok as a writer to write stuff that is just for me right now. stuff that i had to put pen to paper but dont necessarily have to share. there is noting bad about about what i was writing, hell, some it it has been my best since i got back from Japan but right now they are just for me. something just for me is ok and perfectly fine. i am happy with that thought.
i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.
im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.
there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality
WHAT’S UP PEOPLE!!!!!!
i have been gone for a little bit. Took an unexpected trip to JAPAN!!!!!!!!!! It was an almost pure last minute thing that i did not expect and i am so glad that i took the opportunity to go! My friend Alex is the one who invited me and set up the trip! (and paid for it, he is amazing) We went from Dec. 27, to Jan. 11 so we spent New Year’s and my birthday in JAPAN!!! So having a blog most people thought oi would chronicle the experience on here and keep up a daily blog schedule but i took a different approach. one reason is because we would not always have reliable WiFi and another is because i wanted to write about what i was experiencing at the time. yes, this is writing typing on the blog but there is something so intimate about putting pen to paper and since right before i left on the trip my sisters brought me a journal i took it as the right thing to do to write what was going on down in there.
I am so glad i did. it has been a long time since i have written with a pen on a daily bases that it made the whole experience when more amazing! the mental exercise of writing without spell check and still capturing the experience of climbing two mountains and feeding deer in a Buddhist temple or just becoming infatuated with a pretty girl that you talked to for five minutes in between sight seeing. we traveled to five cities in those two weeks, Tokyo, Mt. Fuji, Kyoto, Osaka and Nara. Each city held its own style and feel plus getting to them was awesome. The public train system in Japan was so complex yet easy to navigate, the operators were beyond helpful and if you messed up they were to happy to help you with adjustments! (inside joke) THEN THERE WAS THE BULLET TRAIN! it was beyond cool and yes even with the experience of riding the monorail at Disney, noting can compare to taking the bullet train around a mountain and across half a country!
The food by the gods the food! we didnt have one bad meal while we were there and that includes the two meals we had that we got from 7-11! Yes I said 7-11!!!! everything was so fresh and even with eating noodles two or three times a day noting tasted the same and was a new, wonderful experience.
there are so many things to talk about like how we didnt see any trash on the ground for almost two weeks or how that a shrine in the middle of the day in a busy city surrounded by traffic and skyscrapers was the most quiet place i have ever been in my life! i could talk about how comic books and sex arent looked upon as something to be hidden or placed in a sub culture as if it is beneath people and scary but placed out in a manner of normality that doesnt offend anyone! i could go on for days about the comics and the diversity of the people who enjoyed them with no shame. i could begin an entire new blog post about how traditional and the latest in modern advances live side by side in harmony! I can talk for days about the women!!!! I could go on and on but i wont.
i love writing and i believe writing can be a gateway for people to leave the surroundings that they may be trapped on or take them to places that dont even exist but now i also believe that sometimes you just have to go. you just have to stop looking upon others and their experiences and have your own! THEN WRITE ABOUT THAT!
and for my black people in america, GO! GO to places outside of the states! GO to places where you may be uncomfortable! GO to places where the government actually wants you around! GO to places that you think that you can only read about! THEN WRITE ABOUT IT!
if you want to see pictures and random thoughts from or about my trip follow my social media!
What’s up guys we are coming to the end of the year and what an eye opening year it has been for me! We so much going on I actually missed a blog update but I guess that’s to be expected with so many good and positive things going on. Thursday I hope to get into a little more detail and have an update fir what will be happening in the next year! I hope this post finds you well and if not keep fighting!
my first non cook county mandated doctor’s appointment in more than 20 years was horrible , dint see the doc till more than 2 hours after my appointment, but we are going to focus on the positive right now!
1: got to read a lot of the ultimate hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
2: flirted with a really cute nurse
3: found out i weight way less than what i thought
4: finally saw a doctor after a month of trying to get the appointment
5: took my anger from the experience and walked home #exercise
so yes i am going to focus on that and go play around on snapchat
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