I have been so bad with the blogs. I had to have another surgery earlier this month and it had me super down where I just didn’t want to write. I think now those are the times that I need to write more. I had taken so much pride in keeping up with my post I hate that it ist the first thing I stop doing when I feel sick or really depressed. I need to do better, hell I need to write or post on days other than Monday and Thursday. I need to have more human interaction and not be so closed of. I need to believe in myself.
this weekend i truly see why my therapist says that being social is key to getting my mental health back on track. i have been feeling really down and upset that i havent been spending much time with my friends and people i really like due to many circumstances. i was sad and angry about it a lot. i just stopped talking to people and facebook kept my anger going because it showed me those friends have been out and about. i now seems really petty but it affected me. so with that in mind i made it a point to talk to as many other people as possible and make plans to get out of the house. i got sick and then had a few plans fall through but one still held up. i fought through the illness and did my best to stay positive to ensure that atleast my Saturday plans went through. its strange to me as a writer that i dont want to write about such a positive experience..i had such a good time talking and dancing and just being out with people that i didnt even really now to then have the great experience of old friends showing up at the party and catching up on years of missed time. it elevated a lot of the stress and anger i was feeling towards my friends which i believe now is mostly anger at myself for not being in a position where i can go out and enjoy myself on a regular basis i am glad i was able to go out and make a new memory. i need to do more of that.
so i didnt post yesterday. at first i felt bad and had to do my positive thinking exercise to fight depression but then i had a thought. i had written, i had actually written three new poems. i liked all three but didnt want to post. so i had a thought what if these poems were just for me.? what if these poems were not made to be seen by anyone else but me right now? is that ok? YES! yes it is ok as a writer to write stuff that is just for me right now. stuff that i had to put pen to paper but dont necessarily have to share. there is noting bad about about what i was writing, hell, some it it has been my best since i got back from Japan but right now they are just for me. something just for me is ok and perfectly fine. i am happy with that thought.
i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.
im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.
there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality
What’s up guys we are coming to the end of the year and what an eye opening year it has been for me! We so much going on I actually missed a blog update but I guess that’s to be expected with so many good and positive things going on. Thursday I hope to get into a little more detail and have an update fir what will be happening in the next year! I hope this post finds you well and if not keep fighting!
my first non cook county mandated doctor’s appointment in more than 20 years was horrible , dint see the doc till more than 2 hours after my appointment, but we are going to focus on the positive right now!
1: got to read a lot of the ultimate hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
2: flirted with a really cute nurse
3: found out i weight way less than what i thought
4: finally saw a doctor after a month of trying to get the appointment
5: took my anger from the experience and walked home #exercise
so yes i am going to focus on that and go play around on snapchat
follow me bossbradley442
A is for all the things we couldn’t see
B is for believing in me
C is for caring for me
D is for distracting me
E is for every kiss you have given me
F is for letting me feel on your booty
G is for giving me more of you then i deserve
H is for my heart that aches for your return
I is for me not wanting to do this anymore lol
to be continued……….
soooooooooooooo a few days ago i say a picture of a woman i have a huge crush on (yes i embrace the fact i am over 30 and still crush on people) and in the picture it looked liked she had on an engagement ring! i went into the dark fog of sadness and depression super fast. suddenly i was never gonna get married or have children, no woman would ever love a man with mental illness. i fell so hard so fast and once i realized what i was doing i laughed and snapped out of it!
i tell you of this moment as an example because a year ago those thoughts would not have just been a moment they would have been the rest of my week! they would have been in every action and every thought until another depressing thought came along.that is not the case anymore. i can realize when a depressing thought comes along and now i have the tools to help myself come out of the fog.
does the fear of not finding someone to love still persist? yes. thanks to therapy i have learned to take those negative thoughts and think of a better outlook. like, maybe right now i dont need to worry about being with another person right now i am actually enjoying working on myself. that if i work on myself enough i will find someone that will understand what i am trying to do and i wont have to fear telling them about my depression. that this is a great time to focus on me so that if i find someone to love i will be ready to give them my all!
btw my crush is not engaged lol
So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day, I may be normal. I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response. I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook.
On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated. One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.
Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.