I have been so bad with the blogs. I had to have another surgery earlier this month and it had me super down where I just didn’t want to write. I think now those are the times that I need to write more. I had taken so much pride in keeping up with my post I hate that it ist the first thing I stop doing when I feel sick or really depressed. I need to do better, hell I need to write or post on days other than Monday and Thursday. I need to have more human interaction and not be so closed of. I need to believe in myself.
so i didnt post yesterday. at first i felt bad and had to do my positive thinking exercise to fight depression but then i had a thought. i had written, i had actually written three new poems. i liked all three but didnt want to post. so i had a thought what if these poems were just for me.? what if these poems were not made to be seen by anyone else but me right now? is that ok? YES! yes it is ok as a writer to write stuff that is just for me right now. stuff that i had to put pen to paper but dont necessarily have to share. there is noting bad about about what i was writing, hell, some it it has been my best since i got back from Japan but right now they are just for me. something just for me is ok and perfectly fine. i am happy with that thought.
my first non cook county mandated doctor’s appointment in more than 20 years was horrible , dint see the doc till more than 2 hours after my appointment, but we are going to focus on the positive right now!
1: got to read a lot of the ultimate hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
2: flirted with a really cute nurse
3: found out i weight way less than what i thought
4: finally saw a doctor after a month of trying to get the appointment
5: took my anger from the experience and walked home #exercise
so yes i am going to focus on that and go play around on snapchat
follow me bossbradley442
A is for all the things we couldn’t see
B is for believing in me
C is for caring for me
D is for distracting me
E is for every kiss you have given me
F is for letting me feel on your booty
G is for giving me more of you then i deserve
H is for my heart that aches for your return
I is for me not wanting to do this anymore lol
to be continued……….
soooooooooooooo a few days ago i say a picture of a woman i have a huge crush on (yes i embrace the fact i am over 30 and still crush on people) and in the picture it looked liked she had on an engagement ring! i went into the dark fog of sadness and depression super fast. suddenly i was never gonna get married or have children, no woman would ever love a man with mental illness. i fell so hard so fast and once i realized what i was doing i laughed and snapped out of it!
i tell you of this moment as an example because a year ago those thoughts would not have just been a moment they would have been the rest of my week! they would have been in every action and every thought until another depressing thought came along.that is not the case anymore. i can realize when a depressing thought comes along and now i have the tools to help myself come out of the fog.
does the fear of not finding someone to love still persist? yes. thanks to therapy i have learned to take those negative thoughts and think of a better outlook. like, maybe right now i dont need to worry about being with another person right now i am actually enjoying working on myself. that if i work on myself enough i will find someone that will understand what i am trying to do and i wont have to fear telling them about my depression. that this is a great time to focus on me so that if i find someone to love i will be ready to give them my all!
btw my crush is not engaged lol
this is not going to be a long bog post because everything seems to be going just find. besides from a sudden illness and vision trouble i have noting to complain about. which is why i think i have been having this nagging question, how strongly does having a significant other affect ones mental health? this is something i am going to bring up in therapy because in all honesty i know some of my bad relationship decisions have come from my unhealthy mental and emotional reactions. is it possible to find love when you know you have these types of issues? ok im going to go destroy a box of tissues now i hope you are doing well and i will talk to you soon!
i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more. Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.
let us start with the setup.
last week friday or thursday, forgive my time displacement, i was on twitter active in a hashtag called #BlackComicsChat (join in next month you wont regret it) and one of the topics was what got you into comicsbook reading. A flood of joyous comicbook memories came into my head, from the first time i read a comic, to the fisrt time someone brought me a comic, to the first time i brought a stack of comics with my own money! Good times. then has the memories came in and as i read the response of others i began to be filled with anger and negatives thoughts. i was so shocked and surprised, i was having a great time, the event reminded me of why i love comics so much but why was i beginning to feel this way? why were so many bad memories rushing to the surface and trying to take away the joy that i had been feeling learning that i was not the only one who felt this way about the four colored world of heroes and villain? Depression. i think people dont realize that is how depression can take a hold on you. it can creep in on the strongest, most positive feelings and place only the negative in front of you. So i got off of twitter and took 30 deep breathes and did a few of my rethinking exercises that i learned in therapy and went back to the event. that moment was the first time where i felt that i would be ok that i knew that this was a fight that i was winning, a fight that isnt over but a fight that i am in. to those that are dealing with some of the stuff i write about and some of the issues that depression causes if you find yourself reading this, FIGHT. YOU CAN WIN!!!!
These are just a couple of songs that have really been helpful lately in keeping me positive and processing my emotions better.
a cool beat to vibe to from one of my favorite anime’s
a song that expresses my hesitation about expressing love
my i dont want to be social anthem
my current favorite song that makes me think about someone i really miss
these are just a few i may do another music post again this week
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