So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day, I may be normal. I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response. I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook.
On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated. One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.
Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.
i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more. Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.
someone way smarter than me once said, “the only way to succeed is to get out of your comfort zone and boy were they right! Yesterday therapy was real rough and that is exactly what i needed to happen. my therapist has been using a technique with me where i have to make a list to answer questions about what are my goals for therapy and the tools i need to achieve them. the topic of this weeks list is “why do i put more effort into work for others then i do for myself”. and well i think a lot of hose answers hit super hard. i have been a little down every since i started working on the list. self examination is a big part of life and when you have someone professionally helping you with it i believe it can be a thing that elevates you to even beyond your own hopes and dreams. at the same time it can really hurt, but you cant let that hurt stop you. you have to keep going and work on what needs to be changed. i think that being moved out of my comfort zone in this safe environment is a good thing. i think it will help me reestablish what i know i can achieve with life. i want to publish my book this year. i want to share it with all of you and i need to be prepared to be uncomfortable!
we made it! yes we made it! wow! this has been such a pleasure and enjoyable task. i learned a lot. i have shared a lot and have come to appreciate this outlet to communicate even more. i started this blog not to long ago to promote my writings. not knowing that it would be the outlet that has encouraged my writings the most. i got real personal in the last 30 days. i have let people into a world that i was very guarded about, only sharing it through poems, never letting you in directly. i hope i have changed that and take this momentum of writing to you for 30 days straight to bring you more of my works!!!!!!
Questions from a former student of mine who is about to get married that i will now answer in paragraph form.
Love means many things to me but it for most is means a feeling of overwhelming devotion and caring for another human being. ( the difference between love & lust is lust is more of a physical want and desire usually devoid of an emotion connection. love has those same feelings but with empathy, kindness and respect in the forefront) the 3 biggest problems i have faced in a relationship are lack of trust, lack of communication and cultural differences. the 3 most important things to have to keep a relationship happy, healthy & stable for me are open and honest communication, a genuine like for that person or in better words a good friendship and economic stability. is it more important to be single or rebound with people after a breakup is a tough question. depending on how the former relationship ended time alone to heal could be what is best for you but sometimes you really do need another person to help you get over a broken heart. you just have to be honest about a rebound situation and not to confuse it with love. when things get hard in a relationship i choose to try to fix it. all relationships are a work in progress you cant just give up at the first sign of trouble. new elements may have been added into the relationship, people also grow and change so there maybe something new for you to discover about that other person. is intimacy & romance more important to you or communication & friendship? i left this question as is because i don’t believe that you can have one with out the other. you cant not experience true intimacy with someone if you aren’t friends first and can share your inner most thoughts with that other person and you cant be romantic if you are unable to communicate your feeling to someone or able to hear and understand theirs and what they like and desire.
i hope this helps theoharris!!!!!
I remember the first time I died I was about five. I had an asthma attack. I was in the back of my aunt’s car with my mom driving to the hospital. I heard my mom whispering or praying for me to open my eyes. I did. I remember the street lights and the sound of cars. I closed my eyes again. The next time I opened them I was in the hospital listening to my mom talking to the doctor about treatment but I remember something else. Quietness and the dark, just empty space and I knew it was a place that I didn’t want to be so I came back.
I sit alone in my four corner room staring at four corners. Trying to remember the day I realized I was bigger than these four corners. Bigger than the house and it’s four corners trapped inside the yard boxed in by its four corners. Bigger than the city block which stops so short of anything. Bigger than the hustlers on those four corners trying to recruit me. I sit alone in my four corner room staring at the four corners of the many books that helped to release me from from these four corners. i sist alone staring at the four corners of the four colored comics that gave me such joy to explore worlds that the four corners of my block would not allow me to see. I sit alone with the four corners of the page I work on to capture this feeling and pass it on from you to me!