Tag Archives: chicago

No safe places

there are no safe places for me

quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history

if i identify as straight i must hate gays

if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race

if i identify as a man i must hate women

if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion

cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm

dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong

cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil

cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain

cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain

there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name

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A note to my father part 2

Fuck you father  and yes I am intentionally being rude to you    because you was just some dude that came around to feel on my momma       and truth be told i dont remember how old i was i was when super mario 3 came out out    but i wanted it    and if im honest if you didn’t have that yellow and grey cartridge you was just a partridge singing songs that didn’t relate to me       so how you gone relate to me    if it wasn’t for blood you wouldn’t even be a relation to me   but i also remember the shoes the brown leather cow boy boots that they said you would wear where ever you went     and i remember begging for a pair hoping you would catch a glare and say that’s my boy trying to fill his daddy’s shoes         i lose    it never happened and those shoes had them all laughing at the Chicago kid who thought he was a cow boy    and its strange when you think the other kids had that same instinct to search for their dads      but it didn’t seem to affect them      i guess they had others around to compensate        while i had to wait in vain that these dream of mine would go away      a dream for a family caused those surrounding me          i couldn’t talk to or understand their meaning   so now i am mean because to them it seems im arrogant and an ass         but im just off to the side i guess still waiting for my dad   or at least someone that makes me feel that i didn’t lose out because you weren’t about    cause i never got the chance to lash out and just be a kid who’s mad

The Birth of Rage

I think you learned something

I think you learned that life sucks and you weren’t given the tools to handle that realization

and no matter how smart you get or what you accomplish

without those tools you will face daily complications

you were/are surrounded by dumb ass people

and because of piss poor parenting you were taught to defer to these dumb ass people

when you finally got angry enough, fed up with stupidity

that piss poor parenting made you think those feelings were the enemy

you didn’t know what do do with your rage

a rage born from wanting to be better than what was presented as the norm

a rage that came from wanting to explore the walls outside of your home

a rage that came from books that showed you that history had been deformed

a rage that said i am a man not a nigger for you to spit on

and now you are stuck in your rage

a rage you don’t want to leave

you don’t want to leave until all those dumb ass people feel your rage

but something in you is holding you back

holding you back from what you want to do most

and you are stuck

because one day you realized that life sucks

and you weren’t given the tools in which to construct

a lane for that rage to be useful on

so you rage on

March

oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol  I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol  i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!

hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon

thanks for reading!

there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol

February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

January

January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!

morbidness action/reaction time management

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

so maybe i rush things too

and other things i dont even pursue

maybe that’s why i dont clean my room

or rewrite my will

when i have nothing and no one to really leave anything to

i fell like im going to die again real soon

is that why i am such a loud dude

that fights for those who’s knees were cut off to soon

so if i leave again you will notice that i left the room

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

the forth maybe the most unbearable

but i have hope i will come back from that one too

i feel like im going to die again real soon

P.S. did almost die that forth time and here i stand!!!!!!!

sword poem 3

it is not me that keeps the sword sheathed

it is the sword that keeps my anger and fury contained

for a sword should only be unsheathed for two purposes

the  first, is when it is needed to strike and injure another. to show the purpose of consequences

for you can not bring back another from a fatal blow

the second, is when it is needed to be honed, sharpened and taken care of.

for to practice discipline and care is to create character

the perfection of a sword is not in it’s use but in it’ quiet moments away from battle

HELLO 2015

HELLO ALL,

i have been away from this blog from far to long. 2014 has not been the best year for me. my continued battle with depression put me in the hospital in early November and made me face a lot of things about myself and the way i have been behaving these last three years.  some things have been out of my control other things have been decisions that i normally wouldn’t make but at the end it is all my life and how i have to deal with it. As i was staring to write this entry i was going to list all the things that i am going to do this year and all the improvements that i wanted to implement but as i was writing i decided NAHHHHHH i think i am going to just do them and let everyone see the results. soooooooooooooooooooooo HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! may it be all that you hope and dream for but dont just hope and dream for it MAKE IT SO!

Darrin