Tag Archives: Conditions and Diseases

Today’s Date Progress mixed with a little hope.

let us start with the setup.

last week friday or thursday, forgive my time displacement, i was on twitter active in a hashtag called #BlackComicsChat (join in next month you wont regret it) and one of the topics was what got you into comicsbook reading. A flood of joyous comicbook memories came into  my head, from the first time i read a comic, to the fisrt time someone brought me a comic, to the first time i brought a stack of comics with my own money! Good times. then has the memories came in and as i read the response of others i began to be filled with anger and negatives thoughts. i was so shocked and surprised, i was having a great time, the event reminded me of why i love comics so much but why was i beginning to feel this way? why were so many bad memories rushing to the surface and trying to take away the joy that i had been feeling learning that i was not the only one who felt this way about the four colored world of heroes and villain? Depression. i think people dont realize that is how depression can take a hold on you. it can creep in on the strongest, most positive feelings and place only the negative in front of you. So i got off of twitter and took 30 deep breathes and did a few of my rethinking exercises that i learned in therapy and went back to the event. that moment was the first time where i felt that i would be ok that i knew that this was a fight that i was winning, a fight that isnt over but a fight that i am in. to those that are dealing with some of the stuff i write about and some of the issues that depression causes if you find yourself reading this, FIGHT. YOU CAN WIN!!!!

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a realizations

the simple and horrible realization is

that no matter how much someone has fucked you up in the head

messed up your ability to function as a human being

it’s still all ON YOU

the don’t have to take any responsibility or blame

you hurt yourself

IT’S ON YOU

you hurt someone else in a state of suicide or depression

IT’S ON YOU

finding the help you need

ON YOU

learning how not to be this way

ON YOU

maybe knowing that can motivate you or give you a sense of power

but right now

it all just feels

shitty

spending the rest of my life fixing what you broke in side of me

February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

morbidness action/reaction time management

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

so maybe i rush things too

and other things i dont even pursue

maybe that’s why i dont clean my room

or rewrite my will

when i have nothing and no one to really leave anything to

i fell like im going to die again real soon

is that why i am such a loud dude

that fights for those who’s knees were cut off to soon

so if i leave again you will notice that i left the room

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

the forth maybe the most unbearable

but i have hope i will come back from that one too

i feel like im going to die again real soon

P.S. did almost die that forth time and here i stand!!!!!!!

Day 22. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football,  a sport he loves,  disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a  young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix  burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book……  a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words  and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive.  god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud. 

Day 11. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

i’ve been having such a hard  time with the human experience lately. i understand everything has it’s ups and downs and that life is in seasons. i get that nothing last forever good or bad but man i was doing so good! noting drastic has happened nothing catastrophic or world ending just i find myself in a slump. just this weird shadow over every little thing i am supposed or want to do. i have no way of self motivation out of it. so i hide away and try to do the best that i can without falling to behind. this state of being causes me to miss out  on stuff, true some of the stuff i dont want to do but some of stuff could be really fun! so stay in the house and try to write. keeping up with the 30 day challenge has helped but i still just feel blah all of a sudden about everything. 

Day 9. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

I remember the third time I died. I had been throwing up food and water for a day and when I finally couldn’t hold anything in I went to the hospital. I don’t remember much after I got there but I remember the quiet empty space and I didn’t like it at all this time I screamed my way back. I awoke with my mom and a doctor standing over me. It seems I had gone into a small coma, a diabetic coma. I will probably die from complications from diabetes but I wasn’t going to die that day.

Day 6. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

The recovery. they never tell you about the true path of recovery. it is not learning to walk again, it is the fact when you stumble you feel like you will never walk again. it’s not that your mind forgets small big things, it’s that fact that you can’t remember learning the small things in the first place. the pain is not what will bother you, it is the fact that you recover from the pain so much more slowly. they don’t tell you how sometimes sounds, colors and even the certain taste of things can just drain away every bit of energy in your body. they don’t tell you that it’s ok for you to take a nap in the middle of the day even though for years you have had trouble sleeping. they never tell you that the truth path of healing is just listen to your body. the body will tell you how it needs it’s healing. 

Day 5. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

i dont know why i am surprised at my own self destruction. surprised by what i do, which is often nothing or dear God of the times i do worse and go the opposite. when i do more when i should not do at all. that second pop that third candy bar or that alcohol. i understand why my body likes to kick my ass  how can it detox when the poison is it’s DNA template. i try real hard to try and avoid temptation but the second i see that cake i know i’m tasting it.  for everyday i try to do my best i have to fight the five days that i didn’t give a shit. i am not giving up shit laying it out. i will do better. you will see me at 85 out and about.