Tag Archives: Emotion

I wrote about it

facebook status istagram post tumblr blogs and snapchat story videos

youtube shares and twitter rants i wrote about this love it seems if i tried to stop i just cant

an entire note books of poems and more than a few blogs

i try no contact but mutual friends make things hard

so i write about it people tell me to move on

so i write about her muse is so strong

so it seems that i have more than just a thing for the way that those island hips swing

it should have been just a fling just a sexual thing when i learned about her ring i should have stopped everything

we did

that didnt last long

even in denial forbidden love can be too strong

maybe some of the force was because it was so wrong

all i know is i write about it often a love i should have never had

a love i lost i should have never had

a love i lost i should have never grabbed on to

tried my hardest to hold on to

so how do i not write about it if i still long to

hold you kiss you love you

so i write about how much i miss you

so i write about how much i wish i never knew you

i write about how my heart cant seem to heal

i write about how heartache is beyond real

so i write about how low i feel

and i write

darkness becomes light and wrong is made right by the movement of my pen to paper my fingers on the keys and then i can breathe and think of good tings and hope you are happy

then i write about that

then it leads me to write about other things

so i write about it

it only seems

it seems people only pay attention to you when you are gone

only love you when they are wrong

are only around when you are strong

only acknowledge you when there is pain

only value you when there is something to gain

only apologize when they get caught

are only impressed when you are in second place

only concerned after the fears you faced

only appear after you weathered the storm

only ask how you are doing when all is gone

only find time when you need to be alone

only have an opinion until you write this poem

Today’s Date Unstable Molecules

i always knew that there are an uncountable amount of triggers that could set me off and lead me into a bout of depression.

Today I put into affect that there are also a numerous amount of triggers that can lead me out of depression.

to be a p[positive person takes work and a constant vigil. it can be done

And like unstable molecules emotions are always in flux, they are not fixed

which means we have the power to move them as they move us

it is all malleable and we can shape it to whatever we want

especially Happiness

Today’s Date A new 30 day challenge and dealing with loss.

i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more.  Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.

Today’s Date Progress mixed with a little hope.

let us start with the setup.

last week friday or thursday, forgive my time displacement, i was on twitter active in a hashtag called #BlackComicsChat (join in next month you wont regret it) and one of the topics was what got you into comicsbook reading. A flood of joyous comicbook memories came into  my head, from the first time i read a comic, to the fisrt time someone brought me a comic, to the first time i brought a stack of comics with my own money! Good times. then has the memories came in and as i read the response of others i began to be filled with anger and negatives thoughts. i was so shocked and surprised, i was having a great time, the event reminded me of why i love comics so much but why was i beginning to feel this way? why were so many bad memories rushing to the surface and trying to take away the joy that i had been feeling learning that i was not the only one who felt this way about the four colored world of heroes and villain? Depression. i think people dont realize that is how depression can take a hold on you. it can creep in on the strongest, most positive feelings and place only the negative in front of you. So i got off of twitter and took 30 deep breathes and did a few of my rethinking exercises that i learned in therapy and went back to the event. that moment was the first time where i felt that i would be ok that i knew that this was a fight that i was winning, a fight that isnt over but a fight that i am in. to those that are dealing with some of the stuff i write about and some of the issues that depression causes if you find yourself reading this, FIGHT. YOU CAN WIN!!!!

Today’s Date (something about feelings, a poem maybe)

i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.

i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.

i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.

i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.

i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.

i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.

i dont want to feel anything anymore.

the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away

i feel lost

i feel more afraid then i used to

i feel stupid

i feel neglected and over looked

i feel used

i feel mistreated

i feel unloved

i feel hatred

i feel angry

i feel caged

i feel damaged

i feel broken

i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love

i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings

i think i feel to much

The Birth of Rage

I think you learned something

I think you learned that life sucks and you weren’t given the tools to handle that realization

and no matter how smart you get or what you accomplish

without those tools you will face daily complications

you were/are surrounded by dumb ass people

and because of piss poor parenting you were taught to defer to these dumb ass people

when you finally got angry enough, fed up with stupidity

that piss poor parenting made you think those feelings were the enemy

you didn’t know what do do with your rage

a rage born from wanting to be better than what was presented as the norm

a rage that came from wanting to explore the walls outside of your home

a rage that came from books that showed you that history had been deformed

a rage that said i am a man not a nigger for you to spit on

and now you are stuck in your rage

a rage you don’t want to leave

you don’t want to leave until all those dumb ass people feel your rage

but something in you is holding you back

holding you back from what you want to do most

and you are stuck

because one day you realized that life sucks

and you weren’t given the tools in which to construct

a lane for that rage to be useful on

so you rage on

I need to write something today

i need to write today

but lets re-watch game of thrones

i need to write something today

but after i put that new YouTube video on

i need to write something today

to ward off the sadness and the depression

i need to write something today

to pay for a life i wanted to give up

i need to write something today

but you just thought about that girl you meet a few days ago and pornhub is ya best buddy

i need to write something today

to make up for all those times you had a clever line and made a facebook, twitter, instagram post instead of butting in work to make a poem to express the true complexities of what you were trying to say

i need to write something today

because you admitted that you wanted to give up on your hopes and dreams and become a wage slave

i need to write something today

because for a second the anger took control and all i wanted to do was hurt people even if they deserved it, i need to stop and take these thoughts and turn them into actions that can become the success and freedom and love that i crave

i need to write something today

to express that yes i love you, that i love the individual that is me, i love the me that my people created, that i love my people, and yes i need to say these things out loud but by all that is and i mean that by all that is, writing it down just makes it seem all the more real

i need to write something today. because if i write it down today i may just find a reason to embrace this life and want to stay

im glad i wrote something today

is it love?

if you follow me on my personal facebook page, you may have noticed that i have been posting a lot of lyrics to love songs. am i in love currently? No. well, not in the way you are thinking. i believe i am learning to love myself and in doing so i find myself wanting to be in a place of love. not romantic love but a love that brings me peace and calm. not saying that being loved by someone else cant do those things but two people always create friction. i dont want friction in my heart right now. hell, i couldnt handle it right now. So what i am saying is find a love song even if you are not in love and just enjoy the very thought that love does exists.

P.S.

i know by looking at the dates of some of my post that i suck. i am relearning what hard work and consistency means. so since my last update lets see, i found a job, loved the job, found a girl, starting hating the job, quit the job, lost the girl and trying my best to overcome my issues in therapy. i hope to get way better with post because doing this entire time i have been writing just not posting and i will get better with that.

be well

a realizations

the simple and horrible realization is

that no matter how much someone has fucked you up in the head

messed up your ability to function as a human being

it’s still all ON YOU

the don’t have to take any responsibility or blame

you hurt yourself

IT’S ON YOU

you hurt someone else in a state of suicide or depression

IT’S ON YOU

finding the help you need

ON YOU

learning how not to be this way

ON YOU

maybe knowing that can motivate you or give you a sense of power

but right now

it all just feels

shitty

spending the rest of my life fixing what you broke in side of me