I often wonder if you’re missing me
I heard you got another family down in Mississippi
A few sons, a couple of daughters
a lot of information but no connectivity
I don’t remember every saying hello
I do remember constantly asking for that Super Mario
Did you know stole asshole stole it from the house
how could you
you have never been around
never showed up
you didnt even buy the game
no congrats out your mouth
because of you all my relationships are in doubt
had to learn on my own how to deal
not doing that so well
how to cope with loss
how to walk about
no matter how god I do I feel left out
like I am missing something within and without
the simple and horrible realization is
that no matter how much someone has fucked you up in the head
messed up your ability to function as a human being
it’s still all ON YOU
the don’t have to take any responsibility or blame
you hurt yourself
IT’S ON YOU
you hurt someone else in a state of suicide or depression
IT’S ON YOU
finding the help you need
learning how not to be this way
maybe knowing that can motivate you or give you a sense of power
but right now
it all just feels
spending the rest of my life fixing what you broke in side of me
oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!
hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon
thanks for reading!
there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol
oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!
thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!
January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!
today’s date blog is all about yesterday!
yesterday was my 33rd birthday and to say i was hard getting there s an understatement. my battle with depression took a turn for the worst late lat year and it looked like i wasnt going to see 2015 but today i am happy that that is no the case. YESTERDAY WAS AWESOME. the only thing i had planned on doing was posting a free pics to social media (go and follow me on everything lol) letting people know it was my bday and was going to just say thank you to those that wished me a happy one. it turned out to be so much greater! i got well wishes from those that i havent seen in ages. beautiful notes from beautiful women who i didnt even think noticed me. words of encouragement from those i look up to who i didnt think saw the things that i have been going through. i got gifts that i didnt ask for because on that day just being here was enough for me. the notes, facebook statuses, private messages and early morning phone calls warmed my heart in ways that i couldnt imagine i still could fill and that alone is a gift i can never repay . for that i say thank you to all and for those that went the extra mile i hope the private messages i sent in return conveyed half of my appreciation for you!!!!
but let’s talk about them gifts tho lol
i got a surprise gift from my mom which was really cool because i didnt expect her to get me anything and that was really nice.
one of my mentors (SKINNER) took me out to an awesome meal at the cheesecake factory (SOOOOO GOOD) and about five hours of conversation, that i thought was the best thing to have because i am starting to realize that after all my brushes with death the time we choose to spend with each other us more valuable then we can ever know.
THEN i got a really expensive book that i LOVE LOVE LOVE (its the history of westeros! #gameofthrones
i dont make plans for my birthday since i turned 23 so i like to usually i find a really good book and just enjoy it. these last few years i have been in the hospital or ill so i would be dealing with that and those things were a leading cause of he depression but i am so glad that i didnt do anything to harm myself because i would have missed out on one of my best birthdays to date and the greatest gifts that one could ask for, the gift of being loved.
thank you all again and i know the thirty third year of me will be the best year of them all
for three hours a week i get to pretend you are all dead
for three hours a week i get to live without second guessing myself
for three hours a week i get to feel safe
for three hours a week i get to feel free
for three hours a week i get to feel like i am apart of something that understands me
for three hours a week i get to enjoy being me without critique
for three hours a week i get to feel like i own my own stuff
for three hours a week i get to for get how much i hate you
for three hours a week i get to feel like i want to be alive
for three hours a week i dont feel like shit all the time
for three hours i get to be a man
for three hours a week i feel like being me is ok
i went to lay down for two seconds
for the first time today i wasnt distracted by
or just moving something
so i went to lay down for two seconds
and the first thoughts that came to mind was how much i want to hurt these people
i need to break out of this fucking depression and get my shit together
and to my fucking so called friends who think i need to check in on them but don’t fucking check in with me and don’t read this blog to even know half the shit im dealing with FUCK YOU!
left my neighborhood for the first time in about 18 days
word the train for the first time in 40
saw guardians of the galaxy today
it was really good
let someone hurt my heart for the last time today
learned that someone who broke my heart a while ago has moved on while im sitting here letting someone hurt my heart
heard a funny story
heard bad news
heard some more bad news
learned robin williams died
then i came home
that was my day
Questions from a former student of mine who is about to get married that i will now answer in paragraph form.
Love means many things to me but it for most is means a feeling of overwhelming devotion and caring for another human being. ( the difference between love & lust is lust is more of a physical want and desire usually devoid of an emotion connection. love has those same feelings but with empathy, kindness and respect in the forefront) the 3 biggest problems i have faced in a relationship are lack of trust, lack of communication and cultural differences. the 3 most important things to have to keep a relationship happy, healthy & stable for me are open and honest communication, a genuine like for that person or in better words a good friendship and economic stability. is it more important to be single or rebound with people after a breakup is a tough question. depending on how the former relationship ended time alone to heal could be what is best for you but sometimes you really do need another person to help you get over a broken heart. you just have to be honest about a rebound situation and not to confuse it with love. when things get hard in a relationship i choose to try to fix it. all relationships are a work in progress you cant just give up at the first sign of trouble. new elements may have been added into the relationship, people also grow and change so there maybe something new for you to discover about that other person. is intimacy & romance more important to you or communication & friendship? i left this question as is because i don’t believe that you can have one with out the other. you cant not experience true intimacy with someone if you aren’t friends first and can share your inner most thoughts with that other person and you cant be romantic if you are unable to communicate your feeling to someone or able to hear and understand theirs and what they like and desire.
i hope this helps theoharris!!!!!