i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.
im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.
there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality
i tell myself lies to stay alive
just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok
in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them
there is no end to the darkness
there is no such thing as happiness
should have could have would have
no one else knows what this feels like
i dont now who i am
i dont know anything ‘
i cant do anything about this
these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!
i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.
i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.
i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.
i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.
i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.
i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.
i dont want to feel anything anymore.
the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away
i feel lost
i feel more afraid then i used to
i feel stupid
i feel neglected and over looked
i feel used
i feel mistreated
i feel unloved
i feel hatred
i feel angry
i feel caged
i feel damaged
i feel broken
i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love
i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings
i think i feel to much
HALF WAY THROUGH THE CHALLENGE PEOPLE! WISH ME LUCK!!!!
insecurities. i tell you people insecurities are going to mess us up. insecurities will keep us from asking for help. insecurities will make us see others confidence as arrogance. insecurities will have us lying when the truth was no threat at all. insecurities will give power to our fears when there should have never been fear in the first place. it is sad that my relationship with a married woman may have been my most healthy relationship to date because she had few if no insecurities about herself. she didn’t lie or feel they need to lie about ours or any other situation, she had no fear of my reactions to anything because we communicated everything to alleviate any insecurities or false perception. that is why it pains me so to see my married friends in relationships where their partner seems to have to lie about such small insignificant things. things that don’t need to be lied about which just makes one wonder about the bigs things that person is capable of lying about. being insecure no matter how much a person loves you can push them away especially if that person is being supportive and wants noting but the best for you. this post is not saying that you don’t have the right to be insecure about things, no one is perfect, but you should not let you insecurities color you thoughts and feelings about someone who cares for you. the best way to cure insecurities is to communicate and be honest with yourself and others.