Tag Archives: fighting

Today’s Date Please Stand By

i was going to let Monday go by without posting because honestly i dont have anything positive to say.i was going to try and blame it on valentines days but that is not the case. i am becoming depressed again and my techniques and tings are not working right now. every step forward i take seems to push me three steps back. every positive ting i try and do brings with it four negative things. is this just  me looking at things from a negative perspective, yes, does it change how it feels, no. so i am back in a holding pattern trying my best not to fall back into old habits, which then has me thinking about old habits and how comforting it would be just to go back to what fees normal even if it leads me to another deep depression and suicidal thought.

im starting to feel so alone again and even with my writing not getting across how i feel. so it looks like i even avoid my writing. I dont now what happened after japan but i want to get back to that place of having a positive out look and getting a plan together to get my life in order but something that was only a few weeks ago is starting to feel like another life time.

there are no safe places for me and i dont know how to fight the weight of that reality

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Today’s Date Progress mixed with a little hope.

let us start with the setup.

last week friday or thursday, forgive my time displacement, i was on twitter active in a hashtag called #BlackComicsChat (join in next month you wont regret it) and one of the topics was what got you into comicsbook reading. A flood of joyous comicbook memories came into  my head, from the first time i read a comic, to the fisrt time someone brought me a comic, to the first time i brought a stack of comics with my own money! Good times. then has the memories came in and as i read the response of others i began to be filled with anger and negatives thoughts. i was so shocked and surprised, i was having a great time, the event reminded me of why i love comics so much but why was i beginning to feel this way? why were so many bad memories rushing to the surface and trying to take away the joy that i had been feeling learning that i was not the only one who felt this way about the four colored world of heroes and villain? Depression. i think people dont realize that is how depression can take a hold on you. it can creep in on the strongest, most positive feelings and place only the negative in front of you. So i got off of twitter and took 30 deep breathes and did a few of my rethinking exercises that i learned in therapy and went back to the event. that moment was the first time where i felt that i would be ok that i knew that this was a fight that i was winning, a fight that isnt over but a fight that i am in. to those that are dealing with some of the stuff i write about and some of the issues that depression causes if you find yourself reading this, FIGHT. YOU CAN WIN!!!!

Today’s Date Making Plans

this is the thing i noticed the least as my depression set in. i stopped making plans or worse i made plans and the depression found excuse for me to back out of them. i didnt notice how bad it got until after i left my job earlier this year. i just didnt want to do anything. i didnt want to hang. i didnt want to be outside. i didnt want to be around people. yet with not wanting those things i also cut off an avenue that could help me fight the depression, not saying that there are not times when you just dont want to go out but that the depression can make those times feel like ALL the time. so last week i started making plans and not just plans top go to therapy but plans to go out side. made plans to see friends. made plans to travel outside the three block radius of my house. hell i made plans to leave my damn room. then i did the next hard part i made myself keep these plans and not allow depression to turn me into a flake so hopefully soon there will be pictures on my social to show myself that i can be the best me i can be while outside!

Today’s Date a rough weekend

it has been rough since last week Thursday. some dumb shit that was complete out of my control (and if it was in my control when i learned what happened it was to late for me to do anything about it) triggered me and set me off into a deep depression. fortunately i didnt do anything and made it to my therapy session on Friday and there i just let out all the stuff that i had bottled up and it made me feel worse at first.  i was hiding from how i was really feeling and talking about it opened the flood gates. the thing is eventually the rush and overwhelming   feeling left and i was just left with sadness. writing this now is even a little difficult because the trigger is still there and coping with it brings out more than just sadness it also brings out anger and hatred and rage and a sense of no longer wanting to be here. but i am here i dont no why i am here the feeling of not wanting to be here and the sadness havent left it just feels more manageable.   i made small goals for myself. just little things to do to get me to teh next day even if i didnt think i wanted to make it to the next day. my therapist did as well asked me to to small things just to even make it to Monday. i did them. i am here maybe that is the best i can do right now. maybe that is all i need. i will do my best to stay positive and see what happens tomorrow. i probably wont post here but maybe something on instagram or twitter, something to keep me out of my negative thoughts.

Today’s Date Thoughts from Depression

i tell myself lies to stay alive

just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok

in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them

there is no end to the darkness

there is no such thing as happiness

should have could have would have

no one else knows what this feels like

i dont now who i am

i dont know anything ‘

i cant do anything about this

these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!

I need to write something today

i need to write today

but lets re-watch game of thrones

i need to write something today

but after i put that new YouTube video on

i need to write something today

to ward off the sadness and the depression

i need to write something today

to pay for a life i wanted to give up

i need to write something today

but you just thought about that girl you meet a few days ago and pornhub is ya best buddy

i need to write something today

to make up for all those times you had a clever line and made a facebook, twitter, instagram post instead of butting in work to make a poem to express the true complexities of what you were trying to say

i need to write something today

because you admitted that you wanted to give up on your hopes and dreams and become a wage slave

i need to write something today

because for a second the anger took control and all i wanted to do was hurt people even if they deserved it, i need to stop and take these thoughts and turn them into actions that can become the success and freedom and love that i crave

i need to write something today

to express that yes i love you, that i love the individual that is me, i love the me that my people created, that i love my people, and yes i need to say these things out loud but by all that is and i mean that by all that is, writing it down just makes it seem all the more real

i need to write something today. because if i write it down today i may just find a reason to embrace this life and want to stay

im glad i wrote something today

is it love?

if you follow me on my personal facebook page, you may have noticed that i have been posting a lot of lyrics to love songs. am i in love currently? No. well, not in the way you are thinking. i believe i am learning to love myself and in doing so i find myself wanting to be in a place of love. not romantic love but a love that brings me peace and calm. not saying that being loved by someone else cant do those things but two people always create friction. i dont want friction in my heart right now. hell, i couldnt handle it right now. So what i am saying is find a love song even if you are not in love and just enjoy the very thought that love does exists.

P.S.

i know by looking at the dates of some of my post that i suck. i am relearning what hard work and consistency means. so since my last update lets see, i found a job, loved the job, found a girl, starting hating the job, quit the job, lost the girl and trying my best to overcome my issues in therapy. i hope to get way better with post because doing this entire time i have been writing just not posting and i will get better with that.

be well

March

oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol  I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol  i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!

hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon

thanks for reading!

there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol

February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

January

January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!