Tag Archives: future

Today’s Date the blog

What’s up guys we are coming to the  end of the year and what an eye opening year it has been for me! We so much going on I actually missed a blog update but I guess that’s to be expected with so many good and positive things going on. Thursday I hope to get into a little more detail and have an update fir what will be happening in the next year! I hope this post finds you well and if not keep fighting!

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Today’s Date Thoughts from Depression

i tell myself lies to stay alive

just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok

in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them

there is no end to the darkness

there is no such thing as happiness

should have could have would have

no one else knows what this feels like

i dont now who i am

i dont know anything ‘

i cant do anything about this

these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!

March

oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol  I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol  i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!

hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon

thanks for reading!

there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol

February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

January

January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!

pen and paper, i might share later

OMG today so many things tried to set me off. so many triggers of my depression and anger tried to surface. i think i did really good handling it. I PUT PEN TO PAPER. i wrote. i just wrote what i was feeling. i just wrote what was in my mind, even the negative stuff but i didn’t let it control me. i felt it i dealt with it and then i moved on. like even now has i write this blog i have a pen and a note pad sitting next to me and writing some verses down. the exercise of writing has been so helpful in battling my depression. now if only i can get it together so i can live off my writing and move away from such negative people.so many little good things happen everyday and we allow someone else’s bullshit and black clouds ruin your day. i choose to have heaven everyday in my life.  will let others keep their hell.

peace

p.s. i may share some of the stuff i have been writing from today tomorrow not sure yet. stay tuned

p.s.s yea i need a job. i need to move.

morbidness action/reaction time management

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

so maybe i rush things too

and other things i dont even pursue

maybe that’s why i dont clean my room

or rewrite my will

when i have nothing and no one to really leave anything to

i fell like im going to die again real soon

is that why i am such a loud dude

that fights for those who’s knees were cut off to soon

so if i leave again you will notice that i left the room

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

the forth maybe the most unbearable

but i have hope i will come back from that one too

i feel like im going to die again real soon

P.S. did almost die that forth time and here i stand!!!!!!!

Because it’s My Birthday precious!

today’s date blog is all about yesterday!

yesterday was my 33rd birthday and to say i was hard getting there s an understatement. my battle with depression took a turn for the worst late lat year and it looked like i wasnt going to see 2015 but today i am happy that that is no the case. YESTERDAY WAS AWESOME. the only thing i had planned on doing was posting a free pics to social media (go and follow me on everything lol) letting people know it was my bday and was going to just say thank you to those that wished me a happy one. it turned out to be so much greater! i got well wishes from those that i havent seen in ages. beautiful notes from beautiful women who i didnt even think noticed me. words of encouragement from those i look up to who i didnt think saw the things that i have been going through. i got gifts that i didnt ask for because on that day just being here was enough for me. the notes, facebook statuses, private messages and early morning phone calls warmed my heart in ways that i couldnt imagine i still could fill and that alone is a gift i can never repay . for that i say thank you to all and for those that went the extra mile i hope the private messages i sent in return conveyed half of my appreciation for you!!!!

but let’s talk about them gifts tho lol

i got a surprise gift from my mom which was really cool because i didnt expect her to get me anything and that was really nice.

one of my mentors (SKINNER) took me out to an awesome meal at the cheesecake factory (SOOOOO GOOD) and about five hours of conversation, that i thought was the best thing to have because i am starting to realize that after all my brushes with death the time we choose to spend with each other us more valuable then we can ever know.

THEN i got a really expensive book that i LOVE LOVE LOVE (its the history of westeros! #gameofthrones

i dont make plans for my birthday since i turned 23 so i like to usually i  find a really good book and just enjoy it. these last few years i have been in the hospital or ill so i would be dealing with that and those things were a leading cause of he depression but i am so glad that i didnt do anything to harm myself because i would have missed out on one of my best birthdays to date and the greatest gifts that one could ask for, the gift of being loved.

thank you all again and i know the thirty third year of me will be the best year of them all

today’s date

i went to lay down for two seconds

for the first time today i wasnt  distracted by

tv

movies

video games

meaningless conversation

cleaning

reading

or just moving something

so i went to lay down for two seconds

and the first thoughts that came to mind was how much i want to hurt these people

i need to break out of this fucking depression and get my shit together

and to my fucking so called friends who think i need to check in on them but don’t fucking check in with me and don’t read this blog to even know half the shit im dealing with FUCK YOU!

today’s date

i am depressed

i have been for awhile now but i was working on it

the exercise, the looking for a job, getting back to writing

well today i just went to sleep

in the middle of chatting with a friend and watching youtube videos

just stopped

and went to sleep

wasnt watching anything depressing, except for the advancement of the new tech for our robot over lords

thank you jessica chobot

and me and the friend were having a fun conversation about burning breakfast

i just stopped put my head on a pillow and went to sleep

my stomach feels much better tho

so i got that going for me

and the days not over

will find some more things to feel good about and maybe some motivation