I have been so bad with the blogs. I had to have another surgery earlier this month and it had me super down where I just didn’t want to write. I think now those are the times that I need to write more. I had taken so much pride in keeping up with my post I hate that it ist the first thing I stop doing when I feel sick or really depressed. I need to do better, hell I need to write or post on days other than Monday and Thursday. I need to have more human interaction and not be so closed of. I need to believe in myself.
facebook status istagram post tumblr blogs and snapchat story videos
youtube shares and twitter rants i wrote about this love it seems if i tried to stop i just cant
an entire note books of poems and more than a few blogs
i try no contact but mutual friends make things hard
so i write about it people tell me to move on
so i write about her muse is so strong
so it seems that i have more than just a thing for the way that those island hips swing
it should have been just a fling just a sexual thing when i learned about her ring i should have stopped everything
that didnt last long
even in denial forbidden love can be too strong
maybe some of the force was because it was so wrong
all i know is i write about it often a love i should have never had
a love i lost i should have never had
a love i lost i should have never grabbed on to
tried my hardest to hold on to
so how do i not write about it if i still long to
hold you kiss you love you
so i write about how much i miss you
so i write about how much i wish i never knew you
i write about how my heart cant seem to heal
i write about how heartache is beyond real
so i write about how low i feel
and i write
darkness becomes light and wrong is made right by the movement of my pen to paper my fingers on the keys and then i can breathe and think of good tings and hope you are happy
then i write about that
then it leads me to write about other things
so i write about it
there are no safe places for me
quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history
if i identify as straight i must hate gays
if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race
if i identify as a man i must hate women
if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion
cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm
dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong
cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil
cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain
cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain
there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name
WHAT’S UP PEOPLE!!!!!!
i have been gone for a little bit. Took an unexpected trip to JAPAN!!!!!!!!!! It was an almost pure last minute thing that i did not expect and i am so glad that i took the opportunity to go! My friend Alex is the one who invited me and set up the trip! (and paid for it, he is amazing) We went from Dec. 27, to Jan. 11 so we spent New Year’s and my birthday in JAPAN!!! So having a blog most people thought oi would chronicle the experience on here and keep up a daily blog schedule but i took a different approach. one reason is because we would not always have reliable WiFi and another is because i wanted to write about what i was experiencing at the time. yes, this is writing typing on the blog but there is something so intimate about putting pen to paper and since right before i left on the trip my sisters brought me a journal i took it as the right thing to do to write what was going on down in there.
I am so glad i did. it has been a long time since i have written with a pen on a daily bases that it made the whole experience when more amazing! the mental exercise of writing without spell check and still capturing the experience of climbing two mountains and feeding deer in a Buddhist temple or just becoming infatuated with a pretty girl that you talked to for five minutes in between sight seeing. we traveled to five cities in those two weeks, Tokyo, Mt. Fuji, Kyoto, Osaka and Nara. Each city held its own style and feel plus getting to them was awesome. The public train system in Japan was so complex yet easy to navigate, the operators were beyond helpful and if you messed up they were to happy to help you with adjustments! (inside joke) THEN THERE WAS THE BULLET TRAIN! it was beyond cool and yes even with the experience of riding the monorail at Disney, noting can compare to taking the bullet train around a mountain and across half a country!
The food by the gods the food! we didnt have one bad meal while we were there and that includes the two meals we had that we got from 7-11! Yes I said 7-11!!!! everything was so fresh and even with eating noodles two or three times a day noting tasted the same and was a new, wonderful experience.
there are so many things to talk about like how we didnt see any trash on the ground for almost two weeks or how that a shrine in the middle of the day in a busy city surrounded by traffic and skyscrapers was the most quiet place i have ever been in my life! i could talk about how comic books and sex arent looked upon as something to be hidden or placed in a sub culture as if it is beneath people and scary but placed out in a manner of normality that doesnt offend anyone! i could go on for days about the comics and the diversity of the people who enjoyed them with no shame. i could begin an entire new blog post about how traditional and the latest in modern advances live side by side in harmony! I can talk for days about the women!!!! I could go on and on but i wont.
i love writing and i believe writing can be a gateway for people to leave the surroundings that they may be trapped on or take them to places that dont even exist but now i also believe that sometimes you just have to go. you just have to stop looking upon others and their experiences and have your own! THEN WRITE ABOUT THAT!
and for my black people in america, GO! GO to places outside of the states! GO to places where you may be uncomfortable! GO to places where the government actually wants you around! GO to places that you think that you can only read about! THEN WRITE ABOUT IT!
if you want to see pictures and random thoughts from or about my trip follow my social media!
my first non cook county mandated doctor’s appointment in more than 20 years was horrible , dint see the doc till more than 2 hours after my appointment, but we are going to focus on the positive right now!
1: got to read a lot of the ultimate hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
2: flirted with a really cute nurse
3: found out i weight way less than what i thought
4: finally saw a doctor after a month of trying to get the appointment
5: took my anger from the experience and walked home #exercise
so yes i am going to focus on that and go play around on snapchat
follow me bossbradley442
i always knew that there are an uncountable amount of triggers that could set me off and lead me into a bout of depression.
Today I put into affect that there are also a numerous amount of triggers that can lead me out of depression.
to be a p[positive person takes work and a constant vigil. it can be done
And like unstable molecules emotions are always in flux, they are not fixed
which means we have the power to move them as they move us
it is all malleable and we can shape it to whatever we want
can’t dream about anything good
can’t seem to find the peace of my pillow
searching for a moment of rest
can’t seem to get my mind to take a breathe
i don’t know whats left in my tank
but i think, yes, that i think too much
for such are the thoughts that are racing in my head
when all i want to do is
January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!
OMG today so many things tried to set me off. so many triggers of my depression and anger tried to surface. i think i did really good handling it. I PUT PEN TO PAPER. i wrote. i just wrote what i was feeling. i just wrote what was in my mind, even the negative stuff but i didn’t let it control me. i felt it i dealt with it and then i moved on. like even now has i write this blog i have a pen and a note pad sitting next to me and writing some verses down. the exercise of writing has been so helpful in battling my depression. now if only i can get it together so i can live off my writing and move away from such negative people.so many little good things happen everyday and we allow someone else’s bullshit and black clouds ruin your day. i choose to have heaven everyday in my life. will let others keep their hell.
p.s. i may share some of the stuff i have been writing from today tomorrow not sure yet. stay tuned
p.s.s yea i need a job. i need to move.
i am depressed
i have been for awhile now but i was working on it
the exercise, the looking for a job, getting back to writing
well today i just went to sleep
in the middle of chatting with a friend and watching youtube videos
and went to sleep
wasnt watching anything depressing, except for the advancement of the new tech for our robot over lords
thank you jessica chobot
and me and the friend were having a fun conversation about burning breakfast
i just stopped put my head on a pillow and went to sleep
my stomach feels much better tho
so i got that going for me
and the days not over
will find some more things to feel good about and maybe some motivation