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February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

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today’s date

i went to lay down for two seconds

for the first time today i wasnt  distracted by

tv

movies

video games

meaningless conversation

cleaning

reading

or just moving something

so i went to lay down for two seconds

and the first thoughts that came to mind was how much i want to hurt these people

i need to break out of this fucking depression and get my shit together

and to my fucking so called friends who think i need to check in on them but don’t fucking check in with me and don’t read this blog to even know half the shit im dealing with FUCK YOU!

today’s date

i am depressed

i have been for awhile now but i was working on it

the exercise, the looking for a job, getting back to writing

well today i just went to sleep

in the middle of chatting with a friend and watching youtube videos

just stopped

and went to sleep

wasnt watching anything depressing, except for the advancement of the new tech for our robot over lords

thank you jessica chobot

and me and the friend were having a fun conversation about burning breakfast

i just stopped put my head on a pillow and went to sleep

my stomach feels much better tho

so i got that going for me

and the days not over

will find some more things to feel good about and maybe some motivation

today’s date

woke up realized that i had the wrong date on yesterdays today’s date

fixed it i think

after all the stuff i went through and found out about

my thoughts have been i am totally sick of this world

so now i am sick

\have only left my room to go to the bathroom today

so as this writing i have left my room 18 times

mind over matter

now it doesnt matter what my mind thinks because matter is almost uncontrollable LOL

i may be moving soon though

a change of location  may be what is really needed

see you tomorrow

 

Day 28. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

Questions from a former student of mine who is about to get married that i will now answer in paragraph form. 

Love means many things to me but it for most is means a feeling of overwhelming devotion and caring for another human being.  ( the difference between love & lust is lust is more of a physical want and desire usually devoid of an emotion connection. love has those same feelings but with empathy, kindness and respect in the forefront) the 3 biggest problems i have  faced in a relationship are lack of trust, lack of communication and cultural differences.   the 3 most important things to have to keep a relationship happy, healthy & stable for me are open and honest communication, a genuine like for that person or in better words a good friendship and economic stability.  is it more important to be single or rebound with people after a breakup is a tough question. depending on how the former relationship ended time alone to heal could be what is best for you but sometimes you really do need another person to help you get over a broken heart. you just have to be honest about a rebound situation and not to confuse it with love. when things get hard in a relationship i choose to try to fix it. all relationships are a work in progress you cant just give up at the first sign of trouble. new elements may have been added into the relationship, people also grow and change so there maybe something new for you to discover about that other person.   is intimacy & romance more important to you or communication & friendship? i left this question as is because i don’t believe that you can have one with out the other. you cant not experience true intimacy with someone if you aren’t friends first and can share your inner most thoughts with that other person and you cant be romantic if you are unable to communicate your feeling to someone or able to hear and understand theirs and what they like and desire. 

i hope this helps theoharris!!!!! 

Day 24. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

For the record i don’t like that song but i think it is a lesson that kids should learn now at an early age!!!! LET IT GO!!!! man oh man, because with life’s daily stress, plus the random things that will come a long out of no where sometimes you have to just LET IT GO. no that doesn’t mean that problems will disappear and you wont have to solve them but every once in awhile, take a deep breath and LET IT GO!!!!!

Day 23. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

it’s funny how the money changes situations! me and my siblings have been getting along quite well since my mother went to visit our brother on the east coast. no fighting, everything has just been chilled but a few issues with the house have come up and i have a few bucks stashed so my helped was asked. i did not mean to rhyme that but im not changing it. i have limited funds so i asked for when my money can be paid back and of course here comes all the bs about how we all need to live here and mom needs this just fixed but when i was working a steady job and everyone in this household had money saved no one wanted to listen or spend money. i was willing to help. i was willing to help when we all had steady money coming in. now im a fucking bad guy because i want to protect the little money i have. fuck you. everybody suddenly lives here and has to help when it comes to my money but when you have money there are no problems in the house that need fixing. time to start getting paid for this writing and get the away from these people. i am just sick of the double standard and hypocrisy. 

Day 11. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

i’ve been having such a hard  time with the human experience lately. i understand everything has it’s ups and downs and that life is in seasons. i get that nothing last forever good or bad but man i was doing so good! noting drastic has happened nothing catastrophic or world ending just i find myself in a slump. just this weird shadow over every little thing i am supposed or want to do. i have no way of self motivation out of it. so i hide away and try to do the best that i can without falling to behind. this state of being causes me to miss out  on stuff, true some of the stuff i dont want to do but some of stuff could be really fun! so stay in the house and try to write. keeping up with the 30 day challenge has helped but i still just feel blah all of a sudden about everything. 

Day 7. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

I remember the second time I died or more so the second time I felt that quietness that empty space. One day after a really nasty hit during football practice. I was coming out of the house heading for school when all of a sudden I felt nothing. My body gave out I passed out and found myself hanging from my neighbors gate. I couldn’t move. My sister’s before at the time was driving by the house and saw me hanging there. I was a fat kid he couldn’t help me back to the house he got me off the fence and talked me into crawling back home. It was only a few feet but it felt like the road to Damascus. I crawled using what strength I had in me, using my forearms to   move across the concrete. I passed out. I awoke with my mom sitting over me wondering why I was on my couch in my living room. I passed out again into that quiet empty space. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like being crippled. I slipped disk was the cause. I was walking again within a month. Didn’t like the feeling of not being able to move, of being still and quiet, so I came back.

WE (how trying not to do something created something)

we would sit

we would wonder

we would guess

we would shutter

trying to figure out what this would be

we would think

we would blunder

we could ask

we would mutter

trying to figure out what this could be

we would ask

we would ponder

we test

we would stumble

trying to figure out what this should be

we would fuss

we would fight

we hold on oh so tight

trying to figure out how not to leave

we stare

we would glare

hoping to hope that the other one didn’t care

trying to figure out how not to be

we would push

we would pull

we would hold

we would hide

hoping that no one would see

and in the end two almost never friends become something that for a moment the would needed them to be

it held her heart

it saved his life

it made a wrong feel just right

no matter what reality seemed to be

together they were

for just a blur

a solid love

that others said just shouldn’t couldn’t wouldn’t meant to be

yet the dared for a chance to lay next to someone who cared

even if that one night was all there was

yet in between the trying

that defiance

created we