today’s post is really late, mostly because i wasn’t sure what i wanted to post, but really because i have been thinking about two things. one, love and the other, purpose. to be honest i don’t think i have much of both. love these last few years have become a foreign concept . i am not sure if it is the depression talking, the effects my past and current relationships are having on me or the fact that i just don’t know what i want from love any more. the second thing is purpose. i really dont know what im doing. i feeling like im turning 13 again but back then i had hope or at least a sense of what i want. im 33 now and i dont have that. i have no answers for myself and only more questions and frustrations. all i know is i have to acknowledge that i am lost and unmotivated to do much of anything.
my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football, a sport he loves, disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book…… a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive. god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud.
I remember the second time I died or more so the second time I felt that quietness that empty space. One day after a really nasty hit during football practice. I was coming out of the house heading for school when all of a sudden I felt nothing. My body gave out I passed out and found myself hanging from my neighbors gate. I couldn’t move. My sister’s before at the time was driving by the house and saw me hanging there. I was a fat kid he couldn’t help me back to the house he got me off the fence and talked me into crawling back home. It was only a few feet but it felt like the road to Damascus. I crawled using what strength I had in me, using my forearms to move across the concrete. I passed out. I awoke with my mom sitting over me wondering why I was on my couch in my living room. I passed out again into that quiet empty space. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like being crippled. I slipped disk was the cause. I was walking again within a month. Didn’t like the feeling of not being able to move, of being still and quiet, so I came back.
PRIDE. i understand why pride is a deadly sin. a force so strong that it can overcome the passions of love and the very need to survive. Pride is that ting that can keep you from telling your best friend that you want to love them more than friends because your pride won’t let your guard down to let them know. Your pride won’t let you be vulnerable to open up your heart to let someone in because your pride wont let you hurt again. Pride will place rules over pleasure. take off your shoes instead of come into my home and let me embrace you. Pride wont let you be taken care of. Pride wont let you open your mouth to communicate what you want me to do. Pride will have you left all alone. Pride will make me lose you.
This heart in not a good heart
It is a broken heart
A half healed heart
A heart that is still learning how to feel heart
This heart can’t deal
This heart can no longer understand fake from real
This heart beats with blood cold as steel just to keep from standing still
This heart is an angry heart
This heart has torn worlds apart
This heart has won and lost so much it can’t tell the two apart
This heart wants the pain to end but doesn’t know where to start
This heart misses you but knows our hearts have to part
This heart wants something new but doesn’t want to hurt another heart
This heart knows it is not a good heart
He made it up the mountain they way they told him to. It was not as difficult as they had said. He arrived at the mouth of the cave it looked just like they said it would. The woman was standing there just like they said she would. They were right about everything, he was afraid. The woman accepted his gift and asked him why he came. He began, I am sick. Every year after the snows melt and the days grow longer I become sick. I sweat and am overcome with fever my temper is uncontrollable and my demeanor is coarse. I beg of you to help me. The woman just looked at him. Climate change she said. The man did not understand. She continued, I can see it as clear as day you need to move. Your blood is boiling, your memory is moving and your mind cannot slow itself down. You fell abused, wasted your mind cannot forget the punishments your decisions have brought upon you. You cannot forgive the people who have disappointed you and the faces that have spurned you. It fuels your soul the anger inside of you. It is time for a climate change. Join the snows to cool your blood and come to the forest to let your mind remember the old ways to work and feel. Return to peace of the wind, the steps of the dear and the power of the place you have left behind. Once you find it without place it within and the power of you shall begin again.
I smiled at a girl today
I smiled at her in such a way
I smiled as if i had known her my whole life
I smiled as if to say hello to my beloved wife
I smiled as if i saw my best friend for the first time today
I smiled as if she chased all the pain in the world away
I smiled at a girl today.
May 7 2006
Published in City Brink Fall 2012 edition