Tag Archives: Pain

a realizations

the simple and horrible realization is

that no matter how much someone has fucked you up in the head

messed up your ability to function as a human being

it’s still all ON YOU

the don’t have to take any responsibility or blame

you hurt yourself

IT’S ON YOU

you hurt someone else in a state of suicide or depression

IT’S ON YOU

finding the help you need

ON YOU

learning how not to be this way

ON YOU

maybe knowing that can motivate you or give you a sense of power

but right now

it all just feels

shitty

spending the rest of my life fixing what you broke in side of me

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UNTITLED. (TMC)

i cant take it

another student lost

gunned down

he didnt make it

i hate this

when my first thought im glad he lived this long

there is something wrong when we happy to see just 18

how did making it to your next birthday become such a big thing

personally

we never saw eye to eye

but i start to cry when i think about how you made me laugh when you used to fight

about what you were doing with your life

we used to argue about what was wrong and what was right

but it didnt stop us from hoping that we both made it through the night

so in the morning you would laugh when i would scream

CLASS TIME

R.I.P. CHRIS

today’s date

left my neighborhood for the first time in about 18 days

word the train for the first time in 40

saw guardians of the galaxy today

it was really good

let someone hurt my heart for the last time today

learned that someone who broke my heart a while ago has moved on while im sitting here letting someone hurt my heart

heard a funny story

heard bad news

heard some more bad news

learned robin williams died

then i came home

that was my day

Day 22. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football,  a sport he loves,  disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a  young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix  burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book……  a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words  and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive.  god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud. 

Day 19. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

i have nothing to write about today. i have noting to say about people who think religious freedom only means follow what my religion says. i have nothing to say about people who compare the kidnapping of over 200 nigerian girls to a few scenes in a tv show! nothing to write concerning people who do nothing but critique but never create!!!! i dont have the words to write about how racism in all corners is unacceptable! i have nothing to say about kids killing kids on the street but our mayor is placing hundreds of millions to fix a four minute delay on a train line. i have nothing to say to those that just read the headline and think with that little information that their opinion matters. this kinda sucks because i was really enjoying this 30 day challenge and it sucks that it is broken! 

Day 9. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

I remember the third time I died. I had been throwing up food and water for a day and when I finally couldn’t hold anything in I went to the hospital. I don’t remember much after I got there but I remember the quiet empty space and I didn’t like it at all this time I screamed my way back. I awoke with my mom and a doctor standing over me. It seems I had gone into a small coma, a diabetic coma. I will probably die from complications from diabetes but I wasn’t going to die that day.

Day 7. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

I remember the second time I died or more so the second time I felt that quietness that empty space. One day after a really nasty hit during football practice. I was coming out of the house heading for school when all of a sudden I felt nothing. My body gave out I passed out and found myself hanging from my neighbors gate. I couldn’t move. My sister’s before at the time was driving by the house and saw me hanging there. I was a fat kid he couldn’t help me back to the house he got me off the fence and talked me into crawling back home. It was only a few feet but it felt like the road to Damascus. I crawled using what strength I had in me, using my forearms to   move across the concrete. I passed out. I awoke with my mom sitting over me wondering why I was on my couch in my living room. I passed out again into that quiet empty space. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like being crippled. I slipped disk was the cause. I was walking again within a month. Didn’t like the feeling of not being able to move, of being still and quiet, so I came back.

Day 6. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

The recovery. they never tell you about the true path of recovery. it is not learning to walk again, it is the fact when you stumble you feel like you will never walk again. it’s not that your mind forgets small big things, it’s that fact that you can’t remember learning the small things in the first place. the pain is not what will bother you, it is the fact that you recover from the pain so much more slowly. they don’t tell you how sometimes sounds, colors and even the certain taste of things can just drain away every bit of energy in your body. they don’t tell you that it’s ok for you to take a nap in the middle of the day even though for years you have had trouble sleeping. they never tell you that the truth path of healing is just listen to your body. the body will tell you how it needs it’s healing. 

thoughts while smoking a cigar 12/6/13

i am a walking contradiction/the walking dead/drowning  in air while im fishing

the son is bright but wont shine on this black skin

i gotta take a 1800 shot in the morning to stop me from mouring or u might take one shot to the dome just to stop the pain of thinking about you

before i got sick i used to love the cold now/now i cant stand outside in 20 degrees below/ is this gods way of telling me to come out of the dark/ but what other place is there when facing another broken heart

i wish i was as talented as childish gambino/and if i am who will ever get to see it though

i dont think i would have a problem selling my soul i havent had a use for it since i was twelve years old

cancer will be the last illness i get and i know i wont fight it

typing will warm these cold fingers but can it heal a fractured mind a broken heart and a weary soul

when i walk in the house i wish it was my house with my wife and my kids and that those things never belonged to someone else before me

i know i can do more but what more am i doing it for

mandela died at 90 something how man mandela’s at died at 20 something

 

i wish i had a crew like frank sinatra where i can just call them up get creative and get it poppin

its cold