my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football, a sport he loves, disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book…… a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive. god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud.
yesterday i had one of the most liberating experiences in my life. i felt and sensed a lot of different things but the most important thing that i experienced was the present. i experienced the moment. i experienced the present. i wasn’t concerned with the future. i wasn’t worried about the past. i was there in that one moment with a cup. the only ting that mattered to me was that cup, what it could do, what i could do to it and if i wanted to do anything to it. in that moment there was no pain, there was no sadness, there was no heartache, only life. i finally understand why people say live in the now because when you do life becomes more simple. yet, i had a thought when my experience was over. if i live only in the now, it is really good to forget the past but then how do i prepare for the future?
i have to start putting my money where my future is.i am a writer. i love to write. i write poems. i have started writing a few novels. i have a few hundred ideas for movies and tv shows that i have started treatment on. the thing that has always inspired me to write has been black super heroes. in fact it is the lack of black superheroes that got me back into writing. so why don’t you hear a lot out my super hero stuff? i have done anything new with it since 2007. i haven’t gone to any comic book convention, EVER, and there are two that take place in Chicago. i do not have an answer for why i don’t put my money where my future is. all i know is that if i want to create black superheroes so kids that are like me can see faces that are like theirs saving the world. i better get started soon.
You dont hit me up and ask to go to lunch anymore
i guess that means that you dont want my time anymore
You dont call me up and tell me about your day anymore
i guess this means that you dont want my ear anymore
You dont wake me up to tell me about your thoughts anymore
i guess i am not your diary anymore
You dont want me to come over and play and tease you anymore
i guess that means you dont want my desire anymore
You dont want me to hold to kiss to caress your body anymore
i guess that means that you dont want my touch anymore
You dont text to let me know when u wont be at work anymore
i guess your telling me that u dont want my concern anymore
You dont invite me to come and take a smoke anymore
i guess that you dont want my highs anymore
You dont want to tell me your in trouble anymore
i guess you dont need or want my help anymore
You dont ask my opinion about the times anymore
i guess that you dont want my mind anymore
You want me to back off
i guess you dont want my love anymore
this was just this week
i dont want to see next week anymore
jun 20 2007
i didnt edit this one at all…tell me what you think!