left my neighborhood for the first time in about 18 days
word the train for the first time in 40
saw guardians of the galaxy today
it was really good
let someone hurt my heart for the last time today
learned that someone who broke my heart a while ago has moved on while im sitting here letting someone hurt my heart
heard a funny story
heard bad news
heard some more bad news
learned robin williams died
then i came home
that was my day
it’s funny how the money changes situations! me and my siblings have been getting along quite well since my mother went to visit our brother on the east coast. no fighting, everything has just been chilled but a few issues with the house have come up and i have a few bucks stashed so my helped was asked. i did not mean to rhyme that but im not changing it. i have limited funds so i asked for when my money can be paid back and of course here comes all the bs about how we all need to live here and mom needs this just fixed but when i was working a steady job and everyone in this household had money saved no one wanted to listen or spend money. i was willing to help. i was willing to help when we all had steady money coming in. now im a fucking bad guy because i want to protect the little money i have. fuck you. everybody suddenly lives here and has to help when it comes to my money but when you have money there are no problems in the house that need fixing. time to start getting paid for this writing and get the away from these people. i am just sick of the double standard and hypocrisy.
my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football, a sport he loves, disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book…… a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive. god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud.
i have been slacking on a few commitments that i have had lately. things that i should have done months ago and it has been weighing down. i was trying my best to fight through whatever it is that has been slowing me down. i have done that with little to no success, in fact i have failed miserably. i have been producing nothing but crap. it goes back to that cloud i was talking about a few post back. today i decided to change my strategy instead of trying to fight through it i have confronted it! i have been cleaning, cooking and reading books that have nothing to do with what i need to write about, oh and a little video game playing. it has been working about great! the cloud around me doesn’t seem so strong and i feel relieved enough were i know i can get back on track and focus. if i want writing to be my career i know i need to get over these little bumps a lot more quickly and calmly!!!
The recovery. they never tell you about the true path of recovery. it is not learning to walk again, it is the fact when you stumble you feel like you will never walk again. it’s not that your mind forgets small big things, it’s that fact that you can’t remember learning the small things in the first place. the pain is not what will bother you, it is the fact that you recover from the pain so much more slowly. they don’t tell you how sometimes sounds, colors and even the certain taste of things can just drain away every bit of energy in your body. they don’t tell you that it’s ok for you to take a nap in the middle of the day even though for years you have had trouble sleeping. they never tell you that the truth path of healing is just listen to your body. the body will tell you how it needs it’s healing.
” I rather people hate than love me. They can easily remember that they hate you. They easily forget that they love you.”
” You want to live the life you havent earned.”
” right next to the Sun Ztu i keep a King or two.
and right next to that quotes from that Nietzsche cat
then sitting over his shoulder i keep the Bible solider
so peep my readings my ammo to give you your mental beating”
” how do you measure a man? against his greatest ambitions or his base faults”
” if i did not believe in heaven i would ask is this an angel in front og me but since i believe in heaven i thank god for sending an angel on to me”
” in you i see the heavens that will be denied to me when i die”
” you know what i like about the arrogance of the damned? they already know their damned what do they have to be humble about”
they say there is somewhere to go
they say there is someplace to see
they say there is someone i’m supposed to be
if they knew anything it’s that i know everything and anything in between that means nothing so if something should appear that shows things aren’t as clear then that thing must be nothing at all i suppose that’s they thing when the sane thing is not the same thing as what was really the thing that started it all but the whole thing could be change if some thing could be arranged and the wrong thing was right all along yet the strange thing that i know is that when things come and go we hold on to that thing that meant it all plus if you add to the fact that some things never truly matched you may find that thing that alludes us all…..
original post Nov, 20 2012 on my Facebook page