it has been rough since last week Thursday. some dumb shit that was complete out of my control (and if it was in my control when i learned what happened it was to late for me to do anything about it) triggered me and set me off into a deep depression. fortunately i didnt do anything and made it to my therapy session on Friday and there i just let out all the stuff that i had bottled up and it made me feel worse at first. i was hiding from how i was really feeling and talking about it opened the flood gates. the thing is eventually the rush and overwhelming feeling left and i was just left with sadness. writing this now is even a little difficult because the trigger is still there and coping with it brings out more than just sadness it also brings out anger and hatred and rage and a sense of no longer wanting to be here. but i am here i dont no why i am here the feeling of not wanting to be here and the sadness havent left it just feels more manageable. i made small goals for myself. just little things to do to get me to teh next day even if i didnt think i wanted to make it to the next day. my therapist did as well asked me to to small things just to even make it to Monday. i did them. i am here maybe that is the best i can do right now. maybe that is all i need. i will do my best to stay positive and see what happens tomorrow. i probably wont post here but maybe something on instagram or twitter, something to keep me out of my negative thoughts.
i tell myself lies to stay alive
just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok
in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them
there is no end to the darkness
there is no such thing as happiness
should have could have would have
no one else knows what this feels like
i dont now who i am
i dont know anything ‘
i cant do anything about this
these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!
i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.
i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.
i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.
i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.
i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.
i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.
i dont want to feel anything anymore.
the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away
i feel lost
i feel more afraid then i used to
i feel stupid
i feel neglected and over looked
i feel used
i feel mistreated
i feel unloved
i feel hatred
i feel angry
i feel caged
i feel damaged
i feel broken
i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love
i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings
i think i feel to much
i could easily just copy down something that i have already written
or i can be inspired by a post on instagram or twitter
see something clever on Facebook and pass it as my own
or i could give you something straight from my dome
my brain tries to maintain some sense of sanity
]but i honestly believe this reality is not meant for me
so every course and decision has be stressed
my suicidal thoughts have me vexed
because i want to fight on and yet continue on i dont want
i contradict both my actions and my thoughts
i want something better but i dont want to work no more
i want to be a success but i never leave out my house door
i wish to give all that i am to someone ‘
i wish to take all there is and share it with no one
these are my thoughts on September 10th 2015
as i fnd away to not go fill out my medical applications and forms
i wish i had something better to offer
but i just wanted to write down my thoughts with out them being judged liked or stomped on
thank you for reading
the simple and horrible realization is
that no matter how much someone has fucked you up in the head
messed up your ability to function as a human being
it’s still all ON YOU
the don’t have to take any responsibility or blame
you hurt yourself
IT’S ON YOU
you hurt someone else in a state of suicide or depression
IT’S ON YOU
finding the help you need
learning how not to be this way
maybe knowing that can motivate you or give you a sense of power
but right now
it all just feels
spending the rest of my life fixing what you broke in side of me