this weekend i truly see why my therapist says that being social is key to getting my mental health back on track. i have been feeling really down and upset that i havent been spending much time with my friends and people i really like due to many circumstances. i was sad and angry about it a lot. i just stopped talking to people and facebook kept my anger going because it showed me those friends have been out and about. i now seems really petty but it affected me. so with that in mind i made it a point to talk to as many other people as possible and make plans to get out of the house. i got sick and then had a few plans fall through but one still held up. i fought through the illness and did my best to stay positive to ensure that atleast my Saturday plans went through. its strange to me as a writer that i dont want to write about such a positive experience..i had such a good time talking and dancing and just being out with people that i didnt even really now to then have the great experience of old friends showing up at the party and catching up on years of missed time. it elevated a lot of the stress and anger i was feeling towards my friends which i believe now is mostly anger at myself for not being in a position where i can go out and enjoy myself on a regular basis i am glad i was able to go out and make a new memory. i need to do more of that.
A is for all the things we couldn’t see
B is for believing in me
C is for caring for me
D is for distracting me
E is for every kiss you have given me
F is for letting me feel on your booty
G is for giving me more of you then i deserve
H is for my heart that aches for your return
I is for me not wanting to do this anymore lol
to be continued……….
soooooooooooooo a few days ago i say a picture of a woman i have a huge crush on (yes i embrace the fact i am over 30 and still crush on people) and in the picture it looked liked she had on an engagement ring! i went into the dark fog of sadness and depression super fast. suddenly i was never gonna get married or have children, no woman would ever love a man with mental illness. i fell so hard so fast and once i realized what i was doing i laughed and snapped out of it!
i tell you of this moment as an example because a year ago those thoughts would not have just been a moment they would have been the rest of my week! they would have been in every action and every thought until another depressing thought came along.that is not the case anymore. i can realize when a depressing thought comes along and now i have the tools to help myself come out of the fog.
does the fear of not finding someone to love still persist? yes. thanks to therapy i have learned to take those negative thoughts and think of a better outlook. like, maybe right now i dont need to worry about being with another person right now i am actually enjoying working on myself. that if i work on myself enough i will find someone that will understand what i am trying to do and i wont have to fear telling them about my depression. that this is a great time to focus on me so that if i find someone to love i will be ready to give them my all!
btw my crush is not engaged lol
So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day, I may be normal. I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response. I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook.
On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated. One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.
Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.
let us start with the setup.
last week friday or thursday, forgive my time displacement, i was on twitter active in a hashtag called #BlackComicsChat (join in next month you wont regret it) and one of the topics was what got you into comicsbook reading. A flood of joyous comicbook memories came into my head, from the first time i read a comic, to the fisrt time someone brought me a comic, to the first time i brought a stack of comics with my own money! Good times. then has the memories came in and as i read the response of others i began to be filled with anger and negatives thoughts. i was so shocked and surprised, i was having a great time, the event reminded me of why i love comics so much but why was i beginning to feel this way? why were so many bad memories rushing to the surface and trying to take away the joy that i had been feeling learning that i was not the only one who felt this way about the four colored world of heroes and villain? Depression. i think people dont realize that is how depression can take a hold on you. it can creep in on the strongest, most positive feelings and place only the negative in front of you. So i got off of twitter and took 30 deep breathes and did a few of my rethinking exercises that i learned in therapy and went back to the event. that moment was the first time where i felt that i would be ok that i knew that this was a fight that i was winning, a fight that isnt over but a fight that i am in. to those that are dealing with some of the stuff i write about and some of the issues that depression causes if you find yourself reading this, FIGHT. YOU CAN WIN!!!!
These are just a couple of songs that have really been helpful lately in keeping me positive and processing my emotions better.
a cool beat to vibe to from one of my favorite anime’s
a song that expresses my hesitation about expressing love
my i dont want to be social anthem
my current favorite song that makes me think about someone i really miss
these are just a few i may do another music post again this week
like, share, comment
this is the thing i noticed the least as my depression set in. i stopped making plans or worse i made plans and the depression found excuse for me to back out of them. i didnt notice how bad it got until after i left my job earlier this year. i just didnt want to do anything. i didnt want to hang. i didnt want to be outside. i didnt want to be around people. yet with not wanting those things i also cut off an avenue that could help me fight the depression, not saying that there are not times when you just dont want to go out but that the depression can make those times feel like ALL the time. so last week i started making plans and not just plans top go to therapy but plans to go out side. made plans to see friends. made plans to travel outside the three block radius of my house. hell i made plans to leave my damn room. then i did the next hard part i made myself keep these plans and not allow depression to turn me into a flake so hopefully soon there will be pictures on my social to show myself that i can be the best me i can be while outside!
it has been rough since last week Thursday. some dumb shit that was complete out of my control (and if it was in my control when i learned what happened it was to late for me to do anything about it) triggered me and set me off into a deep depression. fortunately i didnt do anything and made it to my therapy session on Friday and there i just let out all the stuff that i had bottled up and it made me feel worse at first. i was hiding from how i was really feeling and talking about it opened the flood gates. the thing is eventually the rush and overwhelming feeling left and i was just left with sadness. writing this now is even a little difficult because the trigger is still there and coping with it brings out more than just sadness it also brings out anger and hatred and rage and a sense of no longer wanting to be here. but i am here i dont no why i am here the feeling of not wanting to be here and the sadness havent left it just feels more manageable. i made small goals for myself. just little things to do to get me to teh next day even if i didnt think i wanted to make it to the next day. my therapist did as well asked me to to small things just to even make it to Monday. i did them. i am here maybe that is the best i can do right now. maybe that is all i need. i will do my best to stay positive and see what happens tomorrow. i probably wont post here but maybe something on instagram or twitter, something to keep me out of my negative thoughts.
I often wonder if you’re missing me
I heard you got another family down in Mississippi
A few sons, a couple of daughters
a lot of information but no connectivity
I don’t remember every saying hello
I do remember constantly asking for that Super Mario
Did you know stole asshole stole it from the house
how could you
you have never been around
never showed up
you didnt even buy the game
no congrats out your mouth
because of you all my relationships are in doubt
had to learn on my own how to deal
not doing that so well
how to cope with loss
how to walk about
no matter how god I do I feel left out
like I am missing something within and without
I think you learned something
I think you learned that life sucks and you weren’t given the tools to handle that realization
and no matter how smart you get or what you accomplish
without those tools you will face daily complications
you were/are surrounded by dumb ass people
and because of piss poor parenting you were taught to defer to these dumb ass people
when you finally got angry enough, fed up with stupidity
that piss poor parenting made you think those feelings were the enemy
you didn’t know what do do with your rage
a rage born from wanting to be better than what was presented as the norm
a rage that came from wanting to explore the walls outside of your home
a rage that came from books that showed you that history had been deformed
a rage that said i am a man not a nigger for you to spit on
and now you are stuck in your rage
a rage you don’t want to leave
you don’t want to leave until all those dumb ass people feel your rage
but something in you is holding you back
holding you back from what you want to do most
and you are stuck
because one day you realized that life sucks
and you weren’t given the tools in which to construct
a lane for that rage to be useful on
so you rage on