Tag Archives: thoughts

No safe places

there are no safe places for me

quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history

if i identify as straight i must hate gays

if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race

if i identify as a man i must hate women

if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion

cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm

dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong

cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil

cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain

cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain

there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name

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Go To Sleep (unfinished)

Can’t Sleep

can’t dream about anything good

can’t seem to find the peace of my pillow

searching for a moment of rest

can’t seem to get my mind to take a breathe

i don’t know whats left in my tank

but i think, yes, that i think too much

for such are the thoughts that are racing in my head

when all i want to do is

GO

TO

SLEEP

 

 

Today’s Date a tale of loneliness and progress

soooooooooooooo a few days ago i say a picture of a woman i have a huge crush on (yes i embrace the fact i am over 30 and still crush on people)  and in the picture it looked liked she had on an engagement ring! i went into the dark fog of sadness and depression super fast. suddenly i was never gonna get married or have children, no woman would ever love a man with mental illness. i fell so hard so fast and once i realized what i was doing i laughed and snapped out of it!

i tell you of this moment as an example because a year ago those thoughts would not have just been a moment they would have been the rest of my week! they would have been in every action and every thought until another depressing thought came along.that is not the case anymore. i can realize when a depressing thought comes along and now i have the tools to help myself come out of the fog.

does the fear of not finding someone to love still persist? yes. thanks to therapy i have learned to take those negative thoughts and think of a better outlook. like, maybe right now i dont need to worry about being with another person right now i am actually enjoying working on myself. that if i work on myself enough i will find someone that will understand what i am trying to do and i wont have to fear telling them about my depression. that this is a great time to focus on me so that if i find someone to love i will be ready to give them my all!

btw my crush is not engaged lol

Today’s Date Thoughts from Depression

i tell myself lies to stay alive

just let me be for awhile, i promise i will be ok

in my dreams there are worlds where i am happy. if i work hard enough i can make this world one of them

there is no end to the darkness

there is no such thing as happiness

should have could have would have

no one else knows what this feels like

i dont now who i am

i dont know anything ‘

i cant do anything about this

these are but a small fraction of the negative thoughts that have been sipping into my reality since my depression and suicide hit. these are but a few of the many negative pathways that i must change direction on. i am changing my direction. some days are harder than others but it is on those days i remember how far i have come. keep fighting!!!!

a poem for September 10th 2015

i could easily just copy down something that i have already written

or i can be inspired by a post on instagram or twitter

see something clever on Facebook and pass it as my own

or i could give you something straight from my dome

my brain tries to maintain some sense of sanity

]but i honestly believe this reality is not meant for me

so every course and decision has be stressed

my suicidal thoughts have me vexed

because i want to fight on and yet continue on i dont want

i contradict both my actions and my thoughts

i want something better but i dont want to work no more

i want to be a success but i never leave out my house door

i wish to give all that i am to someone ‘

i wish to take all there is and share it with no one

these are my thoughts on September 10th 2015

as i fnd away to not go fill out my medical applications and forms

i wish i had something better to offer

but i just wanted to write down my thoughts with out them being judged liked or stomped on

thank you for reading