Tag Archives: time

Today’s Date a rough weekend

it has been rough since last week Thursday. some dumb shit that was complete out of my control (and if it was in my control when i learned what happened it was to late for me to do anything about it) triggered me and set me off into a deep depression. fortunately i didnt do anything and made it to my therapy session on Friday and there i just let out all the stuff that i had bottled up and it made me feel worse at first.  i was hiding from how i was really feeling and talking about it opened the flood gates. the thing is eventually the rush and overwhelming   feeling left and i was just left with sadness. writing this now is even a little difficult because the trigger is still there and coping with it brings out more than just sadness it also brings out anger and hatred and rage and a sense of no longer wanting to be here. but i am here i dont no why i am here the feeling of not wanting to be here and the sadness havent left it just feels more manageable.   i made small goals for myself. just little things to do to get me to teh next day even if i didnt think i wanted to make it to the next day. my therapist did as well asked me to to small things just to even make it to Monday. i did them. i am here maybe that is the best i can do right now. maybe that is all i need. i will do my best to stay positive and see what happens tomorrow. i probably wont post here but maybe something on instagram or twitter, something to keep me out of my negative thoughts.

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morbidness action/reaction time management

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

so maybe i rush things too

and other things i dont even pursue

maybe that’s why i dont clean my room

or rewrite my will

when i have nothing and no one to really leave anything to

i fell like im going to die again real soon

is that why i am such a loud dude

that fights for those who’s knees were cut off to soon

so if i leave again you will notice that i left the room

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

the forth maybe the most unbearable

but i have hope i will come back from that one too

i feel like im going to die again real soon

P.S. did almost die that forth time and here i stand!!!!!!!

Day 16. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

yesterday i had one of the most liberating experiences in my life. i felt and sensed a lot of different things but the most important thing that i experienced was the present. i experienced the moment. i experienced the present. i wasn’t concerned with the future. i wasn’t worried about the past. i was there in that one moment with a cup. the only ting that mattered to me was that cup, what it could do, what i could do to it and if i wanted to do anything to it. in that moment there was no pain, there was no sadness, there was no heartache, only life. i finally understand why people say live in the now because when you do life becomes more simple. yet, i had a thought when my experience was over. if i live only in the now, it is really good to forget the past but then how do i prepare for the future? 

the trip

i got high as hell the other day

hoping to give my mind a rest and some play

to ignore the dumb shit i seem to produce daily

to work hard be strong get better no really

i was taught that is how you get ahead

forge through and all will be given and revealed

have faith keep standing be made of steel

yea as i watch those who dont do shit just steal

but anyway

i got high as fuck the other day

hoping to relax and just ignore all the  obstacles in my way

but rest cant even come to me in that state

while everyone gets to be dumb and blissful

for me another lesson to learn was on the way

 

i got high as a kite taking flight on the moon the other day

i felt my body break and shatter into a billion pieces

all without a place all shattered through time and space

i felt every tug and pull every splash and crash

i felt every single moment and why they never last

the presents the multiple futures the discarded pasts

i felt the first grain of sand that became glass

i saw the decision that i made from good to bad

i felt the stars the clouds and the ants

i saw science in its purest form of magic

life i felt it i was it i was afraid

i battled with myself to be myself

and then cried when i saw the end when there was nothing left

pull myself pull myself back together

struggle to find my focus

fighting and fighting to pull myself back together

wanting a release form the trip

i feel hopeless

struggle fight to return to what i know

and what i know feels so worthless

tug yank punch pray to be the me i know that resides where this earth is

back together again  fractions periods and commas i don’t know them

back in the body that betrays me time and again

bu now i sleep rest think in the only place where hope is lives