So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day, I may be normal. I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response. I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook.
On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated. One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.
Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.
i could easily just copy down something that i have already written
or i can be inspired by a post on instagram or twitter
see something clever on Facebook and pass it as my own
or i could give you something straight from my dome
my brain tries to maintain some sense of sanity
]but i honestly believe this reality is not meant for me
so every course and decision has be stressed
my suicidal thoughts have me vexed
because i want to fight on and yet continue on i dont want
i contradict both my actions and my thoughts
i want something better but i dont want to work no more
i want to be a success but i never leave out my house door
i wish to give all that i am to someone ‘
i wish to take all there is and share it with no one
these are my thoughts on September 10th 2015
as i fnd away to not go fill out my medical applications and forms
i wish i had something better to offer
but i just wanted to write down my thoughts with out them being judged liked or stomped on
thank you for reading
oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!
hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon
thanks for reading!
there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol
oh man i have no idea where to start lol
i have been down. way down but i think i have been fighting. my laptop failed on me but instead of getting down i turned to pin and paper. i even found an old laptop ( which i am writing on now) and got i into descent working condition. house situation is not getting better but i think i am getting better at handling things. i have also come to the realization that i do need a therapy A LOT OF THERAPY! that is not a bad thing. i need people i can talk to that will actually listen even if i have to pay them for it. i want to be a better person and i am tired of feeling like being better is a bad thing. so i have plans again and i think i like them but i also know i can make better plans and can be better at working on my goals. still plan on publishuing the book. i am back to writing my comic reviews! and back to being me!!!!!!
i am depressed
i have been for awhile now but i was working on it
the exercise, the looking for a job, getting back to writing
well today i just went to sleep
in the middle of chatting with a friend and watching youtube videos
and went to sleep
wasnt watching anything depressing, except for the advancement of the new tech for our robot over lords
thank you jessica chobot
and me and the friend were having a fun conversation about burning breakfast
i just stopped put my head on a pillow and went to sleep
my stomach feels much better tho
so i got that going for me
and the days not over
will find some more things to feel good about and maybe some motivation
i woke up
tried to eat something
didnt feel well
tried to watch some youtube videos
now listening to some music from one of my old school mates
lola savage check her out
will use the energy i gained from that sleep to work my way out of this fuck
hope to see guardians of the galaxy tomorrow
will read the book the 100 best african american poems by nikki giovanni
i wrote for the first time in a long time yesterday. you guys seemed to like it. i haven’t liked much of anything including myself in a long time. i have inspirational notes on my wall in my room, i have positive reinforcement notes on my computer, i talk to people who are wonderful and helpful in my life, but i still forget to like myself. i forget my hopes and dreams. i forget all the things i want out of life. i forget that i am good at stuff. i forget to like myself.
i is time to change that
so now i am dedicating myself to myself, doubling if not tripling the work i put into myself.
home situation sucks=move out
want to be financially staple = all money is legal. let your pride suffer a little as long as you collect that check
what to do better for people around you = do better for yourself and you can be better for them
my first step has been exercise so far 3 out of days = i can do better
second step is to get back to writing. i am going to write everyday here on my facebook notes on my instagram poems in my twitter get back to writing my comic reviews but i am going to write
wish me luck and stay tuned!
i would like to thank victoria wilder . i would like to thank her for adding me in this 30 day challenge. i would like to thank her for coming into my life like a sudden rain storm that you didn’t know you needed until the rain began to fall. i would like to thank her for her shirts. i would like to thank her trusting me with her writing. i would like to thank her for fighting for her dreams and never ever giving up. i would like to thank her for her honesty when she is feeling down. most of all i would like to thank her for being her. thank you victoria
ok, maybe the hardest thing that a writer has to do is choose what writings to focus on. you think that you can focus on more than one project at a time. i dont think it works like that. most ideas that come to a writers head may be no more than a single sentence but in that sentence can be the foundation for a whole new world. so to focus on one idea over another is kinda like picking which child gets to survive, DAMN YOU SOPHIE!!!! it is also like picking which child will also support you, advance your career and maintain your sanity! so i guess that plan. like with human children, is to show each project as much love as possible and work for the best.
You stare at me stare at me stare at me
i go insane as you glare at me glare at me glare at me
you were supposed to take care of care of care of me
take me away from this uncertainty
this untouched surface is just hurting me hurting me
what happened to my path of freedom
i look at you and feel so defeated
say something back i need them i need them
where are the words
i’m starving feed them feed them
i trusted you would lead me to something
other than nothing
i am so disgusted disgusted
anger is busting looseeeeeeeeee
i see now
it was just me now
you were here waiting for me to be me now
because if i’m not that i might has well go back
to before i meet you and just forget you
you are so patient
you let me find my way through the path the pain the things i cant change to those that are unexplained until my fingers were ready and strong and steady to look past the petty and see the beauty that was waiting in you that only a few can seem to take hold of i hurt to show love till my fingers are numb and the words have come all over your surface i see now my purpose because noting is worthless if you stare at me glare at me force the truth out you will take care of me care of me you will always be there for me there for even when i get lost and confused that blank page is my muse