I remember the fourth time I almost died. I had been walking around work for about three days in pain. I didn’t think much of it because I had been in some sort of pain since the first time I died. So I thought nothing of it until the fourth day of pain when the quiet place came back but I was wide awake and it scared me and I went to the hospital as fast as I could. I remember the drive with my aunt I remember our talk in the car I remember the orderly that came to the car to help me into the hospital. I remember the nurse as she put the needle in my arm. Then sounds, just sounds, beeping, crying, wheels, doors, lights, and pain the sound of pain. The next voice I heard was a nurse telling me to sleep just sleep it would all be ok. Next was my aunt telling me what was wrong and that they were preparing me for surgery. Then stuff and more stuff and quiet. Not the quiet empty place, just the quiet and I was ok I was resting. Then came the pain and I was awake and I was strapped down and I was hurt and I wanted to move and just be alive. The extra morphine the nurse gave me put me to sleep. I awoke again with my mom in the room and the doctor telling me I should be dead. Ha.
everyone has a write to their opinion. that is one of the main things i like about this country but i think that statement needs to be change. it should say, EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO AN INFORMED OPINION! i say this because most of the post i read on facebook and twitter are people spouting out feelings and not a thought that is backed up by facts or research. over a hundred girls getting kidnapped for wanting to go to school is bad but taking that anger out on a tv show doesn’t help those girls. telling someone they should or shouldn’t be upset about racism if you have never experienced racism is not a statement that you should be making. oh and to unfriend a person because they have a different view than yours is just a true sign that you only like to hear what you want and not the truth. rant over. pray for those girls in nigeria and if you can do more please do.
i have been slacking on a few commitments that i have had lately. things that i should have done months ago and it has been weighing down. i was trying my best to fight through whatever it is that has been slowing me down. i have done that with little to no success, in fact i have failed miserably. i have been producing nothing but crap. it goes back to that cloud i was talking about a few post back. today i decided to change my strategy instead of trying to fight through it i have confronted it! i have been cleaning, cooking and reading books that have nothing to do with what i need to write about, oh and a little video game playing. it has been working about great! the cloud around me doesn’t seem so strong and i feel relieved enough were i know i can get back on track and focus. if i want writing to be my career i know i need to get over these little bumps a lot more quickly and calmly!!!
i’ve been having such a hard time with the human experience lately. i understand everything has it’s ups and downs and that life is in seasons. i get that nothing last forever good or bad but man i was doing so good! noting drastic has happened nothing catastrophic or world ending just i find myself in a slump. just this weird shadow over every little thing i am supposed or want to do. i have no way of self motivation out of it. so i hide away and try to do the best that i can without falling to behind. this state of being causes me to miss out on stuff, true some of the stuff i dont want to do but some of stuff could be really fun! so stay in the house and try to write. keeping up with the 30 day challenge has helped but i still just feel blah all of a sudden about everything.
i just want to say thank you. thank you stan lee for sticking it out at timely comics to create the foundation for marvel. thank you larry hama for your work on g.i. joe. thank you vincent kennedy mcmahon for accomplishing your vision of what wrestling could be. thank you dwayne mcduffie for being the foundation of milestone comics. thank you joss whedon for buffy, angel and firefly, you showed us tv can be awesome intelligent and moving. these are but a few people i wish to thank and you might ask why not thank a few more? well i am saving that for another paragraph. lol
I remember the third time I died. I had been throwing up food and water for a day and when I finally couldn’t hold anything in I went to the hospital. I don’t remember much after I got there but I remember the quiet empty space and I didn’t like it at all this time I screamed my way back. I awoke with my mom and a doctor standing over me. It seems I had gone into a small coma, a diabetic coma. I will probably die from complications from diabetes but I wasn’t going to die that day.
i have to start putting my money where my future is.i am a writer. i love to write. i write poems. i have started writing a few novels. i have a few hundred ideas for movies and tv shows that i have started treatment on. the thing that has always inspired me to write has been black super heroes. in fact it is the lack of black superheroes that got me back into writing. so why don’t you hear a lot out my super hero stuff? i have done anything new with it since 2007. i haven’t gone to any comic book convention, EVER, and there are two that take place in Chicago. i do not have an answer for why i don’t put my money where my future is. all i know is that if i want to create black superheroes so kids that are like me can see faces that are like theirs saving the world. i better get started soon.
I remember the second time I died or more so the second time I felt that quietness that empty space. One day after a really nasty hit during football practice. I was coming out of the house heading for school when all of a sudden I felt nothing. My body gave out I passed out and found myself hanging from my neighbors gate. I couldn’t move. My sister’s before at the time was driving by the house and saw me hanging there. I was a fat kid he couldn’t help me back to the house he got me off the fence and talked me into crawling back home. It was only a few feet but it felt like the road to Damascus. I crawled using what strength I had in me, using my forearms to move across the concrete. I passed out. I awoke with my mom sitting over me wondering why I was on my couch in my living room. I passed out again into that quiet empty space. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like being crippled. I slipped disk was the cause. I was walking again within a month. Didn’t like the feeling of not being able to move, of being still and quiet, so I came back.
The recovery. they never tell you about the true path of recovery. it is not learning to walk again, it is the fact when you stumble you feel like you will never walk again. it’s not that your mind forgets small big things, it’s that fact that you can’t remember learning the small things in the first place. the pain is not what will bother you, it is the fact that you recover from the pain so much more slowly. they don’t tell you how sometimes sounds, colors and even the certain taste of things can just drain away every bit of energy in your body. they don’t tell you that it’s ok for you to take a nap in the middle of the day even though for years you have had trouble sleeping. they never tell you that the truth path of healing is just listen to your body. the body will tell you how it needs it’s healing.
i dont know why i am surprised at my own self destruction. surprised by what i do, which is often nothing or dear God of the times i do worse and go the opposite. when i do more when i should not do at all. that second pop that third candy bar or that alcohol. i understand why my body likes to kick my ass how can it detox when the poison is it’s DNA template. i try real hard to try and avoid temptation but the second i see that cake i know i’m tasting it. for everyday i try to do my best i have to fight the five days that i didn’t give a shit. i am not giving up shit laying it out. i will do better. you will see me at 85 out and about.