this weekend i truly see why my therapist says that being social is key to getting my mental health back on track. i have been feeling really down and upset that i havent been spending much time with my friends and people i really like due to many circumstances. i was sad and angry about it a lot. i just stopped talking to people and facebook kept my anger going because it showed me those friends have been out and about. i now seems really petty but it affected me. so with that in mind i made it a point to talk to as many other people as possible and make plans to get out of the house. i got sick and then had a few plans fall through but one still held up. i fought through the illness and did my best to stay positive to ensure that atleast my Saturday plans went through. its strange to me as a writer that i dont want to write about such a positive experience..i had such a good time talking and dancing and just being out with people that i didnt even really now to then have the great experience of old friends showing up at the party and catching up on years of missed time. it elevated a lot of the stress and anger i was feeling towards my friends which i believe now is mostly anger at myself for not being in a position where i can go out and enjoy myself on a regular basis i am glad i was able to go out and make a new memory. i need to do more of that.
facebook status istagram post tumblr blogs and snapchat story videos
youtube shares and twitter rants i wrote about this love it seems if i tried to stop i just cant
an entire note books of poems and more than a few blogs
i try no contact but mutual friends make things hard
so i write about it people tell me to move on
so i write about her muse is so strong
so it seems that i have more than just a thing for the way that those island hips swing
it should have been just a fling just a sexual thing when i learned about her ring i should have stopped everything
that didnt last long
even in denial forbidden love can be too strong
maybe some of the force was because it was so wrong
all i know is i write about it often a love i should have never had
a love i lost i should have never had
a love i lost i should have never grabbed on to
tried my hardest to hold on to
so how do i not write about it if i still long to
hold you kiss you love you
so i write about how much i miss you
so i write about how much i wish i never knew you
i write about how my heart cant seem to heal
i write about how heartache is beyond real
so i write about how low i feel
and i write
darkness becomes light and wrong is made right by the movement of my pen to paper my fingers on the keys and then i can breathe and think of good tings and hope you are happy
then i write about that
then it leads me to write about other things
so i write about it
there are no safe places for me
quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history
if i identify as straight i must hate gays
if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race
if i identify as a man i must hate women
if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion
cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm
dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong
cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil
cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain
cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain
there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name
WHAT’S UP PEOPLE!!!!!!
i have been gone for a little bit. Took an unexpected trip to JAPAN!!!!!!!!!! It was an almost pure last minute thing that i did not expect and i am so glad that i took the opportunity to go! My friend Alex is the one who invited me and set up the trip! (and paid for it, he is amazing) We went from Dec. 27, to Jan. 11 so we spent New Year’s and my birthday in JAPAN!!! So having a blog most people thought oi would chronicle the experience on here and keep up a daily blog schedule but i took a different approach. one reason is because we would not always have reliable WiFi and another is because i wanted to write about what i was experiencing at the time. yes, this is writing typing on the blog but there is something so intimate about putting pen to paper and since right before i left on the trip my sisters brought me a journal i took it as the right thing to do to write what was going on down in there.
I am so glad i did. it has been a long time since i have written with a pen on a daily bases that it made the whole experience when more amazing! the mental exercise of writing without spell check and still capturing the experience of climbing two mountains and feeding deer in a Buddhist temple or just becoming infatuated with a pretty girl that you talked to for five minutes in between sight seeing. we traveled to five cities in those two weeks, Tokyo, Mt. Fuji, Kyoto, Osaka and Nara. Each city held its own style and feel plus getting to them was awesome. The public train system in Japan was so complex yet easy to navigate, the operators were beyond helpful and if you messed up they were to happy to help you with adjustments! (inside joke) THEN THERE WAS THE BULLET TRAIN! it was beyond cool and yes even with the experience of riding the monorail at Disney, noting can compare to taking the bullet train around a mountain and across half a country!
The food by the gods the food! we didnt have one bad meal while we were there and that includes the two meals we had that we got from 7-11! Yes I said 7-11!!!! everything was so fresh and even with eating noodles two or three times a day noting tasted the same and was a new, wonderful experience.
there are so many things to talk about like how we didnt see any trash on the ground for almost two weeks or how that a shrine in the middle of the day in a busy city surrounded by traffic and skyscrapers was the most quiet place i have ever been in my life! i could talk about how comic books and sex arent looked upon as something to be hidden or placed in a sub culture as if it is beneath people and scary but placed out in a manner of normality that doesnt offend anyone! i could go on for days about the comics and the diversity of the people who enjoyed them with no shame. i could begin an entire new blog post about how traditional and the latest in modern advances live side by side in harmony! I can talk for days about the women!!!! I could go on and on but i wont.
i love writing and i believe writing can be a gateway for people to leave the surroundings that they may be trapped on or take them to places that dont even exist but now i also believe that sometimes you just have to go. you just have to stop looking upon others and their experiences and have your own! THEN WRITE ABOUT THAT!
and for my black people in america, GO! GO to places outside of the states! GO to places where you may be uncomfortable! GO to places where the government actually wants you around! GO to places that you think that you can only read about! THEN WRITE ABOUT IT!
if you want to see pictures and random thoughts from or about my trip follow my social media!
i always knew that there are an uncountable amount of triggers that could set me off and lead me into a bout of depression.
Today I put into affect that there are also a numerous amount of triggers that can lead me out of depression.
to be a p[positive person takes work and a constant vigil. it can be done
And like unstable molecules emotions are always in flux, they are not fixed
which means we have the power to move them as they move us
it is all malleable and we can shape it to whatever we want
So after a very mentally trying day followed by a physically trying day, I may be normal. I say that with a slight question mark because I don’t think I knew what that meant. So much of my actions have been dictated by my unbalanced emotional reactions I couldn’t recognize a normal response. I think I like this. I like having a sense of balance and now I understand how much work it takes to maintain this positive outlook.
On a side note I have started two challenges for November to keep me motivated. One, no shave November gor men’s health and two, the people I’m thankful for challenge. All post will be on my instagram first @bossbradley442 and I will then post compilations of those post in future blogs here.
Thanks for reading. I will talk to you soon.
i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.
i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.
i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.
i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.
i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.
i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.
i dont want to feel anything anymore.
the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away
i feel lost
i feel more afraid then i used to
i feel stupid
i feel neglected and over looked
i feel used
i feel mistreated
i feel unloved
i feel hatred
i feel angry
i feel caged
i feel damaged
i feel broken
i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love
i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings
i think i feel to much
They hadn’t seen each other in months. He thought this would be the perfect time. Her work took her around the world, his work kept him at home but it was ok. they spoke to each other almost every night, even with the time difference, they made sure to message or video chat with each other. when she arrived home it the house was dimly lit with the 50 or so candles that he had carefully placed to make sure it was the perfect mood, she looked perfect by candle light. It was all hugs and kisses and thank you’s and i missed you. He had prepared her favorite meal but dinner was oddly quiet. He asked was she feeling alright and she said yes so he got up from the table, played the song they had first dance to and asked would she care to dance. She said yes.
As they danced he felt that embraced he had missed so much, smelled the perfume that made him smile and knew this was a feeling that he wanted for the rest of his life. She pulled him closer to her and placed her arms around his neck and whispered “I want you inside of me.” He squeezed her tighter and said “what else do you want from me?” She said ” I want you to love me forever.” He moved his hand from the small of her back to reach into his left pants pocket to pull out a box when she stopped him and put his arm back around her. Then she stood on her toes and brought his ear closer to her lips, she whispered “will you marry me?” He said “Yes.”
oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!
thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!
January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!