can’t dream about anything good
can’t seem to find the peace of my pillow
searching for a moment of rest
can’t seem to get my mind to take a breathe
i don’t know whats left in my tank
but i think, yes, that i think too much
for such are the thoughts that are racing in my head
when all i want to do is
if you follow me on my personal facebook page, you may have noticed that i have been posting a lot of lyrics to love songs. am i in love currently? No. well, not in the way you are thinking. i believe i am learning to love myself and in doing so i find myself wanting to be in a place of love. not romantic love but a love that brings me peace and calm. not saying that being loved by someone else cant do those things but two people always create friction. i dont want friction in my heart right now. hell, i couldnt handle it right now. So what i am saying is find a love song even if you are not in love and just enjoy the very thought that love does exists.
i know by looking at the dates of some of my post that i suck. i am relearning what hard work and consistency means. so since my last update lets see, i found a job, loved the job, found a girl, starting hating the job, quit the job, lost the girl and trying my best to overcome my issues in therapy. i hope to get way better with post because doing this entire time i have been writing just not posting and i will get better with that.
oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!
hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon
thanks for reading!
there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol
oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!
thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!
January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!
i have been away from this blog from far to long. 2014 has not been the best year for me. my continued battle with depression put me in the hospital in early November and made me face a lot of things about myself and the way i have been behaving these last three years. some things have been out of my control other things have been decisions that i normally wouldn’t make but at the end it is all my life and how i have to deal with it. As i was staring to write this entry i was going to list all the things that i am going to do this year and all the improvements that i wanted to implement but as i was writing i decided NAHHHHHH i think i am going to just do them and let everyone see the results. soooooooooooooooooooooo HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! may it be all that you hope and dream for but dont just hope and dream for it MAKE IT SO!
i want to write something new that will affect the soul
i want to write something that will let my emotions grow
i want to write how i feel just to let you know
but all i get is fuck fuck fuck
can i write something that shows love to my family
write something that feels good to me
i want to write about love without feeling heart broken
write about my dreams without being awoken
why aren’t my words working
freeing me from these walls
i want to write to express myself
i want to write to see the places i haven’t seen
i want to write to take care of myself
write to fulfill my dreams
these words should work for that
these words should work for me
or because of the power in these words
i should be doing the working
There is an old woman that lives in my tree
She has a sad face that stares back at me
She was there before me
she was there when i was born
she was there when i was kidnapped
she was there when i came home
she has watched me smile
she has watched me mourn
she has seen my many sins
she has with me weathered many storms
she was tall when i was little
she is a giant now that i am grown
she has seen my secrets
she has watched my story unfold
she has seen my regrets
she has guarded my dreams
she was there to watch over me when my nightmares screamed
she has watched me learn to cook
she watched as my pet was born and died
she has watched me crash
she has watched me fly
There is an old woman that lives in my tree
she was there when i was born
she will be there after me……….