when you wish

because i was not the man she loved

i was just the man she was with

every time i held her every time we kissed

i died a little bit

knowing this was a wish that should have never came true

knowing that heartbreak could be the only out come of loving you

i embraced your laugh and i lusted for your smile

i placed you before me when knowing that this life was a lie

a pretend that had to end

a pretend that love couldn’t defy

but i wished for this

i wished for the life you had made with another

i wished that you would protect heart

we must be careful what we wish for

that wish may tear you apart

Today’s Date (something about feelings, a poem maybe)

i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.

i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.

i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.

i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.

i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.

i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.

i dont want to feel anything anymore.

the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away

i feel lost

i feel more afraid then i used to

i feel stupid

i feel neglected and over looked

i feel used

i feel mistreated

i feel unloved

i feel hatred

i feel angry

i feel caged

i feel damaged

i feel broken

i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love

i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings

i think i feel to much

I need to write something today

i need to write today

but lets re-watch game of thrones

i need to write something today

but after i put that new YouTube video on

i need to write something today

to ward off the sadness and the depression

i need to write something today

to pay for a life i wanted to give up

i need to write something today

but you just thought about that girl you meet a few days ago and pornhub is ya best buddy

i need to write something today

to make up for all those times you had a clever line and made a facebook, twitter, instagram post instead of butting in work to make a poem to express the true complexities of what you were trying to say

i need to write something today

because you admitted that you wanted to give up on your hopes and dreams and become a wage slave

i need to write something today

because for a second the anger took control and all i wanted to do was hurt people even if they deserved it, i need to stop and take these thoughts and turn them into actions that can become the success and freedom and love that i crave

i need to write something today

to express that yes i love you, that i love the individual that is me, i love the me that my people created, that i love my people, and yes i need to say these things out loud but by all that is and i mean that by all that is, writing it down just makes it seem all the more real

i need to write something today. because if i write it down today i may just find a reason to embrace this life and want to stay

im glad i wrote something today

is it love?

if you follow me on my personal facebook page, you may have noticed that i have been posting a lot of lyrics to love songs. am i in love currently? No. well, not in the way you are thinking. i believe i am learning to love myself and in doing so i find myself wanting to be in a place of love. not romantic love but a love that brings me peace and calm. not saying that being loved by someone else cant do those things but two people always create friction. i dont want friction in my heart right now. hell, i couldnt handle it right now. So what i am saying is find a love song even if you are not in love and just enjoy the very thought that love does exists.

P.S.

i know by looking at the dates of some of my post that i suck. i am relearning what hard work and consistency means. so since my last update lets see, i found a job, loved the job, found a girl, starting hating the job, quit the job, lost the girl and trying my best to overcome my issues in therapy. i hope to get way better with post because doing this entire time i have been writing just not posting and i will get better with that.

be well

March

oh boy!!!!! what a month this has been! let us do our best to stick with the positive lol  I GOT THE BLOODY JOB!!!! lol  i am a head cashier at my favorite barnes and nobles and so far i am loving it! my co workers are fun and my many managers seem to be really cool and being around books and talking about books and smelling books and selling books keeps me motivated to WRITE MY BOOK!!!! now i just have to get my time management down because the job is full time and i do want to write full time so i try my best to write at work on breaks and lunch and then post on my days off! ( new poems go up on my instagram @bossbradley442) i am going to try and post more updates and poems on this site as well! therapy is going well i think. working around teh new work schedule has been a pain but i know i need this so i dont stress it! ( something we work on in therapy) got a lot of my confidence back when I got the job so we are working on me not falling back into bad habits and using his confidence to fix some old ones. accomplishing this goal has really made all the other ones seem achievable. from saying to applying and then to actually achieve is a feeling i have been missing for way to long of a time. we are working on moving past the anger and sadness that i felt had taken over my life and it hurts sometimes but it does help. i am using the stuff i have learned since the November hospital stay t use everyday and it does help. i have to take responsibility for my own happiness and let go of the feeling that those who made me unhappy owe me anything. home life is home life. cant worry about what others do just control how i react to them AND MOVE THE F OUT!!!! LOL I have given myself a year to do a lot of things and so far with the first quater widining down i think i am doing pretty well!

hope this blog finds you well and if not i hope it gets better soon

thanks for reading!

there may also be a new lady in my life,. will let you all know how that works out lol

February

oh man oh man oh man! i don’t even want to know where to start with this month. therapy got really super rough and raw. i think that is a good thing so i can move forward and not get stuck talking about the same stuff! started writing comicbook reviews again and i hope that they will be published soon. i started looking for a job with sincerity and know that they will develop into something fruitful soon!!1 when on my first date in YEARS and i think that it went realty well, we are planning on a second date!!!! i have had more than a few bad days but nothing serious. i kept my clam and didnt hut myself or anyone else. i claim that as a victory! went on a lunch date with my baby sister and it was super fun! there are things i didnt do this month that were on my to do list and i hope to fix those soon! SCHOOL HERE I COME!

thank you all who read my blog and follow me on social media! i wish i could tell you guys how much your support means to me!!!

January

January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!

Therapy The most comfortable no comfort zone

someone way smarter than me once said, “the only way to succeed is to get out of your comfort zone and boy were they right! Yesterday therapy was real rough and that is exactly what i needed to happen. my therapist has been using a technique with me where i have to make a list to answer questions about what are my goals for therapy and the tools i need to achieve them.  the topic of this weeks list is “why do i put more effort into work for others then i do for myself”. and well i think a lot of hose answers hit super hard. i have been a little down every since i started working on the list. self examination is a big part of life and when you have someone professionally helping you with it i believe it can be a thing that elevates you to even beyond your own hopes and dreams. at the same time it can really hurt, but you cant let that hurt stop you. you have to keep going and work on what needs to be changed. i think that being moved out of my comfort zone in this safe environment is a good thing. i think it will help me reestablish what i know i can achieve with life. i want to publish my book this year. i want to share it with all of you and i need to be prepared to be uncomfortable!

pen and paper, i might share later

OMG today so many things tried to set me off. so many triggers of my depression and anger tried to surface. i think i did really good handling it. I PUT PEN TO PAPER. i wrote. i just wrote what i was feeling. i just wrote what was in my mind, even the negative stuff but i didn’t let it control me. i felt it i dealt with it and then i moved on. like even now has i write this blog i have a pen and a note pad sitting next to me and writing some verses down. the exercise of writing has been so helpful in battling my depression. now if only i can get it together so i can live off my writing and move away from such negative people.so many little good things happen everyday and we allow someone else’s bullshit and black clouds ruin your day. i choose to have heaven everyday in my life.  will let others keep their hell.

peace

p.s. i may share some of the stuff i have been writing from today tomorrow not sure yet. stay tuned

p.s.s yea i need a job. i need to move.

morbidness action/reaction time management

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

so maybe i rush things too

and other things i dont even pursue

maybe that’s why i dont clean my room

or rewrite my will

when i have nothing and no one to really leave anything to

i fell like im going to die again real soon

is that why i am such a loud dude

that fights for those who’s knees were cut off to soon

so if i leave again you will notice that i left the room

i feel like im going to die again real soon

the last three times werent all that cool

the forth maybe the most unbearable

but i have hope i will come back from that one too

i feel like im going to die again real soon

P.S. did almost die that forth time and here i stand!!!!!!!