No safe places

there are no safe places for me

quite a revelation as america begins to celebrate black history

if i identify as straight i must hate gays

if i am proud to be black i must hate all the other false created classifications of race

if i identify as a man i must hate women

if i call myself intelligent i must hate everyone with an uneducated opinion

cant be safe at home because its the ones that look like you not the outside racist that can do the most harm

dont say you are American because that identity is just synonymous with wrong

cant call yourself black/african/colored or negro because unless someone else names the identity of your people for you that labeling is evil

cant like sports or read books because one is lame and the other is your only way out the hood and will damage your brain

cant like more than one issue/cause or thang its not like you have a multitasking brain

there are no safe places to identify as me because wherever i turn someone wants to make me ashamed of claiming my rights/my life/my name

Today’s Date (something about feelings, a poem maybe)

i have so much to say. I dont feel like saying a thing.

i have much i want to do. i dont feel like doing a thing.

i think feelings may be a huge problem for me.

i feel to much or i dont feel at all and i have a had time expressing it either way.

i feel as if i dont have anyone to talk to.

i feel as if those i talk to dont hear me.

i dont want to feel anything anymore.

the good feelings dont last and the bad feelings feel like they never go away

i feel lost

i feel more afraid then i used to

i feel stupid

i feel neglected and over looked

i feel used

i feel mistreated

i feel unloved

i feel hatred

i feel angry

i feel caged

i feel damaged

i feel broken

i used to feel happy i used to feel respected i used to feel powerful i used to feel love

i feel like death is the only ending to these feelings

i think i feel to much

today’s date

i am depressed

i have been for awhile now but i was working on it

the exercise, the looking for a job, getting back to writing

well today i just went to sleep

in the middle of chatting with a friend and watching youtube videos

just stopped

and went to sleep

wasnt watching anything depressing, except for the advancement of the new tech for our robot over lords

thank you jessica chobot

and me and the friend were having a fun conversation about burning breakfast

i just stopped put my head on a pillow and went to sleep

my stomach feels much better tho

so i got that going for me

and the days not over

will find some more things to feel good about and maybe some motivation

How to fight depression.

Day 22. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

my life is wrapped in a dark cloud. a dark cloud of fear given power my circumstance and the facts of life. i am afraid. as a young kid first learning to run and play, hit with asthma. as a teenager finally getting to play football,  a sport he loves,  disc slipped after a hit in practice. didn’t even get hurt during a game. after learning to walk again and preparing for his first real adult party, being allowed to drink and all, diagnosed with diabetes. life changing diagnosis. as a  young adult finally moving out on my own after so many growing pains, job screws me, cuts my wages have to move back home. thank you hector rodriguez. life gets better, you move on, you grow and adapt. finally ready to move out again. take that trip to Ireland. found a balance with friends family and work. my appendix  burst. gets twice infected and with a 45 day stay in the hospital what little heath i had is gone. get out of the hospital only to lose my job and well here we are. two years later, free to do what i always should have done in being a writer. my health seems to finally be picking back up and there is this book……  a book that is my dream. to finally have my words out there and people reading them and debating their meaning and dissecting my words  and and and………..i am afraid. i am afraid that if i accomplish this goal, that if i complete one more dream. that i am not strong enough to fight the next bad thing that will come from it. don’t think this way they say. be strong. be positive.  god has a plan. it will all work out. they haven’t seen my track record. they haven’t lived in my cloud. 

Day 15. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge

HALF WAY THROUGH THE CHALLENGE PEOPLE! WISH ME LUCK!!!!

insecurities. i tell you people insecurities are going to mess us up. insecurities will keep us from asking for help. insecurities will make us see others confidence as arrogance. insecurities will have us lying when the truth was no threat at all. insecurities will give power to our fears when there should have never been fear in the first place. it is sad that my relationship with a married woman may have been my most healthy relationship to date because she had few if no insecurities about herself. she didn’t lie or feel they need to lie about ours or any other situation, she had no fear of my reactions to anything because we communicated everything to alleviate any insecurities or false perception.  that is why it pains me so to see my married friends in relationships where their partner seems to have to lie about such small insignificant things. things that don’t need to be lied about which just makes one wonder about the bigs things that person is capable of lying about. being insecure no matter how much a person loves you can push them away especially if that person is being supportive and wants noting but the best for you. this post is not saying that you don’t have the right to be insecure about things, no one is perfect, but you should not let you insecurities color you thoughts and feelings about someone who cares for you. the best way to cure insecurities is to communicate and be honest with yourself and others. 

 

titles

there is a fundamental change when words are rearranged to become symbols

like when me myself and I isn’t enough

when taking two words that have always been there

put them together and they become

us

you were a girl before i meet you a friend before i kissed you

girlfriend turns all our activities into a rush

i rush to let the world know

a rush to let the worries go

a rush for our bodies to be more than just close

a rush to mark a fictional territory

a rush to complete a new story

a rush to solidify us

when the claim is not you and i

mutual friends

whispers

paranoia

lies

all words powerful that become deadly when added to

us

a thing that should have been pure

tainted by words we have heard, used and claimed before

now weigh  heavy on our hearts and lust

now there are words like

anger

domestic abuse

accused

and used

and now the worst

break and up

we had to say goodbye no matter how hard we tried

it was the wrong time to be

us

Traps

Fear
Liquor
Friends
Family
Traps
Doubt
Love
Hope
Traps
Courage
Women
Happiness
Traps
Greed
Helplessness
Hate
Failure
Success
All Traps
Where Will I Get Caught
Where Will I Allow Capture
If I Get Caught At All

May 2 2006

3 random raps from 1999 or so, maybe, could be, possible 98?

Number 1

i’m in my own world/money and girls/going out early evenings that dont end to 8 AM/I hope this indulgence isn’t a sin/cause i don’t want this to end/the first time i felt free from all the pain that binds me/you know what/fuck that shit/and don’t remind me/ when life treated me grimy but i shot that bitch/now life is fine/ i worked hard for my happiness/peace is mine/peace in mind body and spirit/adversity I do not fear it/nothing will dampen my shine/hate and jealousy bring it on/ my intelligence and determination four times strong/

Number 2

girl said i’m cold hearted/useless emotions have departed/love,compassion, and caring a waste to me/i found out i live better when my only concern is me/

Number 3

laugh at your ass/dirty motherfucker/splash some water on your ass/super soak ya/the h20 will choke ya swallow don’t spit/the overflow is to much for you bitch/

if i find more i will post soon lol #youth

falling flat

this seems to be a recurring theme with me

i hate to sleep I hate to dream

i want what’s better for me and mine

but hate to lead as they hate to try

i hate to hate

whatever that means

i came too late for the big plans and schemes

strength used to be easy for me

i guess true strenght needs to be tested repeatedly

hands seem chained

fig and literally

to break the bonds must God break me

was given brains and eyes to see

yet get punished without mercy when used

i feel abused because i choose

to be better than what has come before

repeating so much it become a bore

even this poem is a little flat

sorry

this is how i feel cant seem to help that