this weekend i truly see why my therapist says that being social is key to getting my mental health back on track. i have been feeling really down and upset that i havent been spending much time with my friends and people i really like due to many circumstances. i was sad and angry about it a lot. i just stopped talking to people and facebook kept my anger going because it showed me those friends have been out and about. i now seems really petty but it affected me. so with that in mind i made it a point to talk to as many other people as possible and make plans to get out of the house. i got sick and then had a few plans fall through but one still held up. i fought through the illness and did my best to stay positive to ensure that atleast my Saturday plans went through. its strange to me as a writer that i dont want to write about such a positive experience..i had such a good time talking and dancing and just being out with people that i didnt even really now to then have the great experience of old friends showing up at the party and catching up on years of missed time. it elevated a lot of the stress and anger i was feeling towards my friends which i believe now is mostly anger at myself for not being in a position where i can go out and enjoy myself on a regular basis i am glad i was able to go out and make a new memory. i need to do more of that.
Tag Archives: People
it only seems
it seems people only pay attention to you when you are gone
only love you when they are wrong
are only around when you are strong
only acknowledge you when there is pain
only value you when there is something to gain
only apologize when they get caught
are only impressed when you are in second place
only concerned after the fears you faced
only appear after you weathered the storm
only ask how you are doing when all is gone
only find time when you need to be alone
only have an opinion until you write this poem
I need to write something today
i need to write today
but lets re-watch game of thrones
i need to write something today
but after i put that new YouTube video on
i need to write something today
to ward off the sadness and the depression
i need to write something today
to pay for a life i wanted to give up
i need to write something today
but you just thought about that girl you meet a few days ago and pornhub is ya best buddy
i need to write something today
to make up for all those times you had a clever line and made a facebook, twitter, instagram post instead of butting in work to make a poem to express the true complexities of what you were trying to say
i need to write something today
because you admitted that you wanted to give up on your hopes and dreams and become a wage slave
i need to write something today
because for a second the anger took control and all i wanted to do was hurt people even if they deserved it, i need to stop and take these thoughts and turn them into actions that can become the success and freedom and love that i crave
i need to write something today
to express that yes i love you, that i love the individual that is me, i love the me that my people created, that i love my people, and yes i need to say these things out loud but by all that is and i mean that by all that is, writing it down just makes it seem all the more real
i need to write something today. because if i write it down today i may just find a reason to embrace this life and want to stay
im glad i wrote something today
pen and paper, i might share later
OMG today so many things tried to set me off. so many triggers of my depression and anger tried to surface. i think i did really good handling it. I PUT PEN TO PAPER. i wrote. i just wrote what i was feeling. i just wrote what was in my mind, even the negative stuff but i didn’t let it control me. i felt it i dealt with it and then i moved on. like even now has i write this blog i have a pen and a note pad sitting next to me and writing some verses down. the exercise of writing has been so helpful in battling my depression. now if only i can get it together so i can live off my writing and move away from such negative people.so many little good things happen everyday and we allow someone else’s bullshit and black clouds ruin your day. i choose to have heaven everyday in my life. will let others keep their hell.
peace
p.s. i may share some of the stuff i have been writing from today tomorrow not sure yet. stay tuned
p.s.s yea i need a job. i need to move.
Day 15. A Paragraph A Day: 30 Day Challenge
HALF WAY THROUGH THE CHALLENGE PEOPLE! WISH ME LUCK!!!!
insecurities. i tell you people insecurities are going to mess us up. insecurities will keep us from asking for help. insecurities will make us see others confidence as arrogance. insecurities will have us lying when the truth was no threat at all. insecurities will give power to our fears when there should have never been fear in the first place. it is sad that my relationship with a married woman may have been my most healthy relationship to date because she had few if no insecurities about herself. she didn’t lie or feel they need to lie about ours or any other situation, she had no fear of my reactions to anything because we communicated everything to alleviate any insecurities or false perception. that is why it pains me so to see my married friends in relationships where their partner seems to have to lie about such small insignificant things. things that don’t need to be lied about which just makes one wonder about the bigs things that person is capable of lying about. being insecure no matter how much a person loves you can push them away especially if that person is being supportive and wants noting but the best for you. this post is not saying that you don’t have the right to be insecure about things, no one is perfect, but you should not let you insecurities color you thoughts and feelings about someone who cares for you. the best way to cure insecurities is to communicate and be honest with yourself and others.
Find something better for your hands
STOP
think about it for a minute
is it worth all the tension
the punishment inflicted
self indulgence
temporary happiness
short term problem solving
i know its throbbing
cold shower
she has all the power
you just holding it in your hand
time to take a stand
keep it in your pants
yes its lust combined with love
but you cant touch her
put it away
no touch will ever be her
right hand growing the strongest
but the res of you is growing numb
no need for extra stimulus
plus that is getting boring
no adult performer
can compare to the childlike joy from her
kiss
misogyny while you massaging me
tingling when i touch you
but you’re so far away from me ‘what are my hands to do
A man without fear.
I am not afraid of my anger
I am afraid of how long it takes for me to calm down
I am not afraid of the man thoughts of pain and harm i want to inflict on those that anger me
I am afraid that I don’t have a problem with hurting those that anger me
I am afraid that the part of me that likes hurting people will get out and i wont want to cage it up again
I am afraid I am a violent man and that this violence far out weighs my intelligence
I am afraid that this other part of me is the real me
I am afraid of that day
when I am no longer afraid
Darrin Speaks 