i knew exactly what i wanted to write about today. with thanksgiving coming up i wanted to begin a 30 day challenge about what i was thankful for. i was very excited when i realized what i wanted to do and write about. i was very excited and couldnt wait to share with people my challenge but then i read some bad news. my best friend, my brother lost his child yesterday after noon. a son who had been fighting for his life over the last 11 days. he was strong and beautiful. My brother is taking it as well as he can and i tink i am doing the same but i am not sure. I have always had a different relationship with death, even before my depression and suicidal thoughts became prevalent. I have rarely looked upon death as a bad thing but as i have become more aware of my emotional reactions i have become aware of how others deal with theirs even more. Angger and frustration, which can trigger my depression, are flowing through me but i believe i have been handling it well but i honestly do not know. i know i have to break self destructive patterns that lead to my depression but i cant cut myself off from these emotions but learn to deal with these feelings. i want to write more. I want to express what i am feeling. I want to be a good brother. I hope I can do these things and maintain my new found balance with my mental health.
Tag Archives: Children
a short thing poem about mothers and kidnapped babies (unfinished)
i often wonder why you rescued me
if only in my life to a deterrent to me
a continuing obstacle
trying to hinder me
was it something different about me
something that no one else sees
you never protected me
when the time came you neglected me
i often wonder why you rescued me
A note to my father part 1
Goodbye Father
I often wonder if you’re missing me
I heard you got another family down in Mississippi
A few sons, a couple of daughters
a lot of information but no connectivity
Goodbye Father
I don’t remember every saying hello
I do remember constantly asking for that Super Mario
Did you know stole asshole stole it from the house
how could you
you have never been around
never showed up
you didnt even buy the game
no congrats out your mouth
because of you all my relationships are in doubt
had to learn on my own how to deal
not doing that so well
how to cope with loss
how to walk about
no matter how god I do I feel left out
like I am missing something within and without
January
January has always been an up and down month for me. either i have a great bday and the rest of the month sucks or i have a sucky bday and the rest of the month is great. this year has seen a change and i have to thank therapy for that. thanks to therapy i took whatever happened and made it worth while, made it fun and made sure i didnt let anyone take my joy away! A few tried to take my joy away but i didnt let them!!!!! I’ve been off my meds for a month now, under my doctors supervision, and have been using the exercises I learned in the hospital added with being honest with my therapist has really helped me to maintain my balance. 2015 has already tarted off great! i have a few new measurable goals, daily things i do to keep up my physical and mental health, and a new attitude on life!!! 1 down 11 more months to go!!!!
Day 18. A Paragraph A Day. 30 Day Challenge
as i sit here trying to go back to sleep and planning for my day at the movies. (it’s about 4:30 am) i have come to realize that i have a lot to be happy about. i have a lot to be glad i am alive to see. you think after dying so many times (see previous paragraphs) that i would express this feeling more often . one of the many reasons i am happy to still be around is the modern age of comicbook movies!!! ok so let me tell you something about myself. I LOVE COMICS!!! i learned to read through comics. i got through a few of those deaths because of comics. my love of books and learning all come from comics!!!! when i first saw a black woman acknowledged as a queen , COMICS!!!! (storm of the x-men is still one of my favorites) when i saw people like me could be heros and not have to be white and born in new york! those books helped me escape some of the more troubling aspects of youth in the late eighties, early nineties of chicago. those books are what inspired me to become a writer!!!! so when i say i’m happy to be alive in the great age of modern comicbook movies, it is because i know for a fact that more kids will get to see the wonder and and excitement, they will get to experience things that at a young age the world tries to shut out on a much more massive scale then i did. they get a chance to see that they can be heroes too!
Book Store
first off let me confess
i dont like libraries let me vent
to quiet to dusty to formal to me
i need to be around life because that what books are to me
man the book store
my favorite place to be
the hiding spot from so much reality
my first hiding spot the comicbook store
the tales that told the stories of those who stood up for themselves and so much more words
words better written than any book found in school and they didnt treat the smart kid like a fool
they friends that didnt leave me
and when someone got shot the hero always got them to safety
those four colored worlds prepared me to face the grey of this one
the card the statues the joy was just so much fun
and oh yea i could take some of it home
fast forward
all grown and such
but my love of the book store didnt fade as such
a lot of things came into play
school work girls responsibility
there there there was a book store
when school and work became a chore
come fond your boy lol
at the book store
tp scape to travel to read
to fulfill the desires the wants and the needs
and of course to do some other things
a safe place for me and her to be
a hug from behind as she reads a book about being lost in time
she wants to search for a bibliography
i want to make stories and moments for her and me
a kiss at the book stores coffee shop
a place where all time exist and for us can also stop
the book store
one day my words will be there
to share with other children so weary of the worlds unfair cares
my books they will make friendships over and find life love and solace
the book store i miss so much
save me a place stay open
i will be there no rush
Darrin Speaks 